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since all of you have had them some training i’d like to begin with a song that for me is a good song for reminding us of what this whole process is about what it’s designed to make possible [Music] i never feel more given to and when you take from me [Music] when you understand the joy i feel giving to you [Music] and you know my giving isn’t done to put you in my debt but because i want to live the love i feel for you to receive with grace may be the greatest giving there’s no way that i can separate the two when you give to me i give you my receiving [Music] and when you take from me i feel so given to [Music] so we all know that but we forget we forget about that kind of giving because we get caught up in other stuff how do you say please in a way that makes people enjoy giving with the spirit that that song was where the giving is self full giving that means it’s not coming out of any giving in or giving up it’s not to buy something it’s not to avoid punishment or guilt it’s pure human enjoyment of enriching life you see so how do we say please in a way that makes that happen naturally so we have this immigrant new into the country and we’re we’re gonna we’re kind of in a mean mood so we’re gonna play a trick on this immigrant the immigrant wants to know how do you say please in a way that creates that kind of giving so we say now when you’re the most vulnerable and you need nurturing the most i’m going to show you what to say and how to say it now of course the immigrant is going to be very interested you look at the person and you say this idiot wouldn’t that be a cruel trick to play on somebody yeah really when you’re the most it’s been played on us that trick has been played on us because we have been taught a language that when we are the most vulnerable to say please in a way that almost guarantees we won’t get what we want if that isn’t a horrible trick what is so let me show you what i consider compassion killers use any of the following kind of communication you see and it’s almost guaranteed to make it hard for people to enjoy giving to you use any language that sounds like a criticism to other people you see so get out your mental erasers and let’s erase the following words from our consciousness right wrong good bad normal abnormal appropriate inapprop well i don’t want to go on because the list is so long if you were educated like me it would take us probably four or five days just to erase all of the words that are in our heads were put in there through our education that destroy this beautiful game of giving out of the heart so every word coming out of our mouth that implies wrongness to other people it sounds like wrongness to them almost guarantees that we will not get what we want you see whether it is a crude judgment like idiot or a more sophisticated one like don’t you think it would be more appropriate for you to consider other people’s needs once in a while which of those two would you prefer if you were on the other end yeah me too i sometimes think it’s just because i was raised in detroit but no i find other people preferred detroit style to nice nice criticism and anything that people hear that sounds like a demand you see it destroys the beauty of giving how sad that we have been taught to use any of the following tactics because if we use any of the following tactics to influence people to whatever degree they carry a trace from the past to this moment about any memory of our having used these tactics it destroys their natural capacity to give to us in the way that song was about see so to whatever degree a person remembers being punished by us in the past to whatever degree the person sees us using rewards to get them to do things to whatever degree a person associates us with shame or guilt induction they recall us in the past trying to make them feel guilty or ashamed for what they when they haven’t given to us what we wanted or to whatever degree we have used concepts of guilt excuse me duty or obligation to get people to do things you see to whatever degree people carry a trace of that it destroys what that song is about it just makes it impossible for people to give with what is a natural way of giving you see so we’re here for a couple days to deepen our ability to remember what needs to be communicated between us and other people just to make this natural giving happen naturally and to remind you all i realize you’ve all been in trainings before essentially what it requires is that we communicate two things to people what’s alive in us this is just another way of saying the question how are we giving requires constant feedback about how we are you see so nonviolent communication is designed to keep our attention at that level we have been educated to work for extrinsic rewards not to look at whether what we’re doing is serving life making life wonderful but whether it pleases the authorities so we’ve been brought up to work for getting rewards from authority to avoid punishment by authority so that we will be dutiful citizens and do what the king says or the oligarchy says or because we’ve been brought up educated under domination systems that have been the purpose of which is to teach you to be docile and subservient to authority so we’ve learned a language that doesn’t help us to say how we are and what would make life more wonderful so how do we say this simple thing how we are and what would make life more wonderful nonviolent communication identifies four things that when we get fluent exchanging this information communicates clearly how we are and helps us to understand how others are it helps us to communicate to others what would make life more wonderful for us and hear from them what would make life more wonderful for them and it has been my experience that when there is the flow of that information and nothing else those compassion killers don’t get mixed in when we just have a flow of communication of how we are and what would make life more wonderful we can resolve any conflict so everybody’s needs get met without any coercion or violence being necessary if we can just maintain that flow so we’ll have two days to practice that in challenging situations and let’s think of such a challenging situation where it’s hard to maintain this flow okay maybe the person that you are thinking of says please in the idiot way when they’re in pain and they want something from you they say things that makes it hard to give to them and as you know i like to use the symbol of jackal language for such language a language that makes it hard to give naturally a language that makes it easy to hear criticism judgments demands so maybe you have in your life now at home or at work somebody who speaks this language that makes it a real challenge to end up with both parties giving from the heart you see so can you speak nonviolent communication with that person no matter how they communicate can you keep this flow going and you also know that i like to use the symbol of giraffe language for non-violent communication because giraffes have the largest heart of any land animal and non-violent communication is the language of the heart in the sense that the core of it are feelings and needs which is the best way i’ve ever learned to describe what is alive in us at this moment what is in our heart at this moment feelings and needs so everybody got such a person in mind right now let’s start with a hard to hear message from this person write down what this person says when they’re trying to say please but unfortunately the person only knows these self-defeating ways of saying please so they say things that make a real challenge for you to put on giraffe ears and hear the pleas behind the message so write that message down to begin with and i’d like to hear some of these hard to hear messages messages that are hard to hear the please express behind it who’s got one for it yes let’s be hard to hear messages this is what they say to me that’s what they say to you you are not the king you act just like dad you are not the king you act just like that yes was that news to you that you weren’t the king no i see so that’s what made that hard to hear you thought you were the king okay i know i know i know other hard to hear messages yes parents are to be seen and not heard oh i like that the child said that the school the school oh my goodness so this was a school authority saying that to you parents are to be seen and not hurt i know what i’d say back if i didn’t have my giraffe ears on i’m going to show you that parents are obscene [Music] when they’re not heard i can usually easily give a jackal response to almost any message it’s the giraffe ones that are a challenge for me when people need empathy the most they’re communicating in the ways that you all showed us every one of those statements i would say is a classic example of somebody who is desperately needing empathy now as you know what we mean by empathy is that you hear at that moment that they say that what they are feeling that you see the needs of theirs that are not getting met that’s all you see in that message at this moment when they say that that’s all you can see and to do that of course you have to have your giraffe ears on because the giraffe years on this technology screens out any criticism you cannot hear criticism with these ears as soon as these ears go on the heart starts to flash you see only the heart so write down what you say to this person when you have the ears on who’s got one for us what was the original message stay away you jerk you’re bad for me stay away you jerk you’re bad for me okay now what do you say back are you feeling angry and needing to be alone you confused this poor jackal he wasn’t expecting that see the giraffe ears keep our attention even when the pers even when we’re silent we still have our attention
on the feelings and needs so what feelings and needs are behind the message look don’t pull that psychology crap on me perhaps we don’t know so be careful about ever making these statements in a declarative way like they are but i would guess that the person might be angry and what might the need be behind this statement don’t pull that psychology crap on me pardon that’s a but don’t manipulate me is not a need that’s a diagnosis manipulate see but what would be the need behind don’t manipulate me what would the person be needing if they were thinking that we were manipulating them they have a need for equality to be treated equally not to be treated like they’re a patient being interviewed by a psychotherapist or a student being questioned by yeah so the person has a need for equality now if a person sees in your eyes what will be there if that’s where your attention is your attention is on their they’re perhaps angry because they have a need for equality that isn’t being met that’s very powerful even if you say not a word but if you hear that as an attack you will have different eyes whatever you say next will come out of a different energy if you hear any criticism in that okay some others i’m yes don’t be ridiculous i’m fine yes and you know you have no respect for anybody’s privacy you know you just come barging into everybody and i’m not the only one that thinks that about you either no no no no no no no no no no no no never connect yourself with the other person’s pain not it irritates you when i right into the jackal jaws when you do that you see so let’s do it again and get that poor baby giraffe out of that jackal’s jaws try it again because see as soon as your attention is on the other person’s needs but don’t say you need me to because then the jack then the baby goes right back into the jaws so you need what what is the person needing yes whatever we don’t have to guess right but we have to sincerely try to guess what the need is that’s in there okay some others yes relax i heard you the first time i think that’s pretty close relax i heard you the first time i’d be i would guess autonomy but notice we don’t have to guess right we have to be sincerely wanting to connect with the need that’s all that’s that’s the intent is what’s important not that we guess right but that we be sincerely interested in connecting with the person’s needs yeah you treat me like you know i’m stupid i don’t hear things you know and like you just have to get everything done right away i mean you know the world isn’t going to come to an end if the grass doesn’t get cut today see there’s no but in a giraffe empathy if you really are trying to empathize you don’t say but you say so you’re really annoyed and really want to do things when you choose to do it is that what you’re saying yes and i’d like to know uh how i could let you know that it’s important for me that it be done now without this sounding like a demand could you tell me that huh i mean if it’s really important to me now i have a need for some order uh some beauty in our lawn and i’ve been waiting for this and it’s not done i’d like it now how can i say that without you hearing that i don’t value your autonomy i don’t know i’m glad we’re talking about this because this little dynamic goes on between us i’ve been doing some research 312 times a day on the average accurate or made yeah yeah i’ve been to mine [Music] i’ve been to mine several of you have heard me say what happened in a similar encounter with my youngest son one day when i said would you please hang up your coat and he said who was your slave before i was born yes i i i’ve been there yes my original statement was you are being rude and angry with me right now and my uh one of the responses it must be painful for you to be around me no no no no no no no no not see if you have giraffe ears on you can’t for one second imagine that you can be a source of another person’s pain you can’t imagine that anybody would ever be angry with you or anybody would ever not want to be around you it’s just unimaginable so no no no it’s not you that is the problem it’s that their needs aren’t getting met that’s the problem you have nothing to do with that so just hear the need that’s always what the problem is the need is what we want to hear so what is the need behind the judgment rude see so are you feeling what did you guess the feeling was uh uh that they want to get away from them no no nobody would ever want to get away from you see that’s a strategy even if they wanted to get away from you that’s not the need we don’t go to strategies until we’ve heard the need so first the feeling what might they be feeling what guess again the feeling that’s what you’re judging them as being but it’s not how they’re feeling what what are they feeling when they say you’re rude and so forth anybody want to help him out what are you feeling hurt because you are needing what might the person be needing behind judgment like rude are you feeling hurt because you’re needing some understanding of course i am but you can’t give it to me because you are so preoccupied with your needs my needs just don’t matter then why is it that i always end up being in a relationship where my needs don’t matter now aren’t you glad you have giraffe ears look at what look at what just a little bit of empathy has uncovered is behind all of this you see so now continue what is this person feeling no that’s a diagnosis don’t say words like that out loud to this person he’ll agree with it and it will reinforce their jackal thinking we don’t want to reinforce jackal thinking yes i do feel neglected you always neglect see neglected isn’t a feeling that’s a diagnosis so how is this person feeling i need to feel like my needs matter my needs have never mattered you see the problem is there’s givers and receivers and givers and takers in this world and i’m a giver and he’s a taker oh let’s see you laugh when you’re in his role yes yeah oh oh you’ve heard it a few times other people’s jackals are always funny so [Laughter] so just repeat back the person now pretty much saying what their feelings and needs are what are they feeling and needing despair because they’re you’re needing what what do they need i need to feel like my needs matter just repeat now they’re pretty much down to it now just reflect back in pretty much the same words you see when even by guessing wrong a few times we’ve helped the person get clearer what the need is and now we just have to confirm for them that we’ve heard it and and to i need to feel like i’m i’m valued that but what goes on in me matters no too quick too quick you’re trying to fix it before the six-hour limit you see a giraffe never tries to fix the other person’s pain without a six-hour delay that gives the other person all the time they need to have their pain fully understood before you try to fix it so you’re going much too quick to trying to fix it this person still had another lots of depth of pain to go through needed to say more but when you turn away from their feelings and needs and start to make it better you make it worse not you keep yourself out of it when we hear feelings and needs we don’t appear in it so you’re needing to feel like you mattered that your needs matter yes it’s been my whole life i’ve never had it why is this so it’s painful because you’re trying you have a need to understand what happens that goes on that makes this happen all the time yes yes yes see they may have a lot more to say so jumping too quick into fixing things cuts perhaps what they’re about to get to is the most important part of all i’m understanding that i need to keep my head down as a target no you need to keep your giraffe ears on then you won’t hear any aggression coming at you there is no aggression all that’s coming at you ever from other people is please or thank you that’s the only two things that human beings are ever saying please and thank you and both of them are precious messages if you hear them accurately the thank you is a celebration of life life has been made more wonderful the pleas is an opportunity to make life more wonderful so life for a giraffe is constant celebration we’re either celebrating how life has been enriched or how it can be you see all giraffes like to do is play marshall yes i get stuck because i can do it one layer maybe two layers but then i’m like i want to jump in for the fix but it’s like i don’t know how to go to the next level i i think i understand it and i don’t know i almost feel like i’m repeating the same question so you’re really frustrated because you’re i think what you will see in in this sequence we weren’t repeating anything each time we said something they went to a different message so there was a different message each time you see it wasn’t the same the first one was are you annoyed because you’re not getting the attention that you would like something like that yes and why does it always happen so the person went then to a deeper level despair will this ever change you see that’s a quite different message nobody has ever accused me of that before how was this jacket cooperative because he kept getting empathy you see as as long as this person was getting empathy they naturally see what else is going on inside you see them so no it’s going to happen with any jackal if they get the empathy okay let’s see where it goes i’m listening you’re listening jack okay so now let’s say it’s we’ve stayed with it and through a few more messages and just hear how desperate this person feels to get their needs feel like their needs matter okay now so when a person’s in pain and we have giraffe ears we guess that the first thing they want the need that they have is empathy understanding for what’s going on in them and now how do we know whether they’ve had enough of that well if the person’s
had the empathy they need at this moment first of all it feels good oh wow just to have somebody hear you without giving you advice without criticizing you without them taking it personally what a gift what a gift martin buber the israeli philosopher and psychotherapist says it’s the most precious gift one human being can give to another the presence that empathy requires just that we still any reaction on our part longing to just stay with the other person we don’t push down our feelings it’s more that we are fully attending to them what a gift to give to another human being but now let’s also look at how to help the other person after the empathy after we see that they feel good right now it hasn’t solved the problem i don’t mean feel good that everything has been solved i mean a relief that somebody is hearing me and that’s one sign then this relief the other notice the person stops talking now they don’t seem to have an urge to continue but even then we have to be careful they might still have more so before we move to the next step we say is there more you’d like to express to be heard and we’re slow to get away you see we’re not in a hurry to get past this no no you understood me okay now we move to the empathy request after the we always assume that the first thing the person wants is empathy now what form that takes some guessing sometimes sometimes the person doesn’t need us to repeat verbally sometimes they just can see it in our eyes that we’ve understood their feelings and needs if that’s the case we don’t always have to say it out loud but sometimes they need it so we have to learn by guessing and sometimes we’re going to guess wrong sometimes we’re not going to say it because we think we’ve understood there’s no need to say it out loud and the person is going to say well don’t do you understand me say something oh okay so are you feeling because you’re needing and sometimes we’re gonna do that are you feeling don’t i don’t need that now i need an answer okay so we’ll guess wrong that’s okay but now after the empathy we need to help this person get clear what they want from us after the empathy see now if the person has been real vulnerable very often what they want and seldom know how to ask for is this if they had a giraffe consciousness after making themselves this vulnerable they would say this i need you to tell me how you feel right now now that you’ve heard this i need to see what’s alive in you how you feel what your needs are but people seldom are conscious enough to ask for that the closest they can come is something like this well you must think i’m pretty stupid to get so upset about this but that really means okay you’ve heard me i’m very vulnerable now please tell me what’s alive in you right now how are you feeling what are you needing but sometimes that isn’t what they want sometimes what the person wants is some advice they need us to suggest some ways that they could better meet their needs but if we guess they want advice when they need the other it’s very painful for them if we’re giving them advice when they really need to hear how we feel makes makes it painful for them or if we tell them how we feel when they need the advice so we need to help the person get clear what they want from us after the empathy so let’s say we’re at that point now so guess what this person might want from you now um what they want from you so you’ve heard now this pain they have that there keep in mind the central need that you heard was that their needs don’t matter well let me see if i’m understanding what’s going on sounds like a lot the thing that the moment that i’m hearing the loudest is uh what a strong need you have to connect with your daughter in a way that nurtures you both is that is that what’s really central for you in this that’s that’s very central and and you and other people but at the moment it’s this is a good learning for you because you see this morning that you had a need to connect with her in a certain way and yet you weren’t clear about exactly how to do that and you saw that the words and the consciousness weren’t there for you at the moment that something that you needed more of something within yourself before you could give her that and to me that’s a big step just to get that far in the amount that you have spent so far in the training just to be conscious at that level so then now you’re wondering now i want to know what what has to go on so that i can really put it into practice in that situation it’s one thing to do it in the workshop it’s another thing to put it into practice right there when you want to do it so what i’d like to do is go through what the steps would be that i think would help you get there so we could do it this distance or you could come up here and we could do some work would you be willing to do come on up yep so this is where it really helps me to be part of a giraffe community of people that i can call on when i get stuck and i’m not in touch with what’s going on in me that’s keeping me from being able to connect with this other person and so more than a few times i can recall calling up a friend of mine and say could we spend some time together today you know this this kid is driving me nuts and i everything i say is making it worse and i just really need to get connected to what’s going on in me what’s being triggered in me that’s so painful okay and how wonderful that i have been had an abundance of people with giraffe ears who when i say that they and we get together they do not give me advice they do not give me sympathy you see they do not tell me well you think you have it bad you should hear what happened to me the other day with my child but they’re really able to hear the pain that’s going on in me even when i’m not too clear about it even if i want to say to them look i don’t want to say it in giraffe i i don’t know how if i could say it in giraffe what’s going on in me i probably could handle it myself but i i just got a whole bunch of stuff going on in me and i need to say it and i need some real help in getting connected so the other person has giraffe ears they’ll help me they’ll listen for what’s alive in me you see it just looks to me like this kid is going to do whatever he wants and he doesn’t give a damn about anybody else in the family but himself so it’s kind of you’re feeling aggravated and would hope that your needs and other family members needs would be taken into consideration yeah and you know i i know that i’ve probably asked for it because i know how i’ve been treating him in the past and he’s still carrying that with him but i’ve been trying hard and you know damn it it’s hard but it just seems like it’s never going to shift yeah so you’re feeling some you’re feeling bad because you would have liked to have treated him differently in the past and now you’re afraid that that’s going to get in the way of connecting with him now in a way that you’d like see so if i can have somebody around that can help me deal with that i’m much better able than to go to the sun so let’s start with that let’s i’ll be your friend your giraffe friend and just tell me how you’re feeling now about what happened this morning with your daughter um i feel totally inadequate to establish a connection with her right now i feel that now that i have some awareness around non-violent communication i see that a lot of the ways that i’ve been approaching her have been non-constructive in terms of establishing it so you’re frustrated if i’m understanding you because you really have a need to connect with her and the skills for doing it you’re not finding that’s right notice he had a lot of inner jackals about his being inadequate and self-judgment and notice with giraffe ears i translated his message just into his feelings and needs you see okay so the the crux of the issue for me with her is that i can i can see that she’s at a point in her life where so you’re scared see he’s given me an analysis and so i’m not hearing his analysis i’m hearing his present feelings i i i keep my focus on what’s in his heart right now the more he’s up in his head analyzing see the farther from being able to resolve this he’s going to get so he’s a baby giraffe he’s still thinking and analyzing and i’m helping him by just hearing what’s alive in him now he’s scared to death he really you really want to protect her from any any harm that could happen to her from what she’s doing and how painful it must be not to know skills for doing that right now did he gotten enough understanding at the moment to try now to practice doing this differently with her or is there more understanding you’d like i have a strong desire to be a good father oh be careful of that one didn’t you hear my definition of hell it’s to have it’s to have children and think there’s such a thing as a good parent be careful of that one let’s translate that into giraffes so you have a strong desire to develop skills that will help you connect with her in a way that will be good for both of you yeah yeah that’s a lot more fun than trying to be a good father that’s almost as suicidal to try to be a good father is to be a competent male 1 oh i’m relieved i’m relieved i’m relieved yes yeah okay so now you’re her and i’ll be you and i’ll be you with giraffe ears so you be the daughter and what did she say at breakfast well i i started by saying i’m feeling disconnected i’m sad daughter because i’d like to be connected with you in a different way and how do you feel when i tell you this now my silence is because her behavior has stimulated in me a lot of stuff that makes it hard for me to hear her i’m starting to feel hopeless already what’s going on in me is oh i’m not going to be able to connect with her and i’m getting angry at her i’m getting angry at myself so i’m doing a lot of work on myself right now
a lot of fear and rage all mixed together because those two go together because i’m a baby giraffe and it’s hard for me to stay connected to the need for her safety i just go up to my head is doesn’t she know what the hell she’s doing to herself i know you’d never think that way but but i would i used to get angry at my children for running in the street two years old as though they should know better but behind that i was scared to death but i didn’t know how to get in touch with the fear but i knew how to get in touch with the judgments and the anger okay so i give myself some emergency first aid empathy right now and it sounds like when i say i’d like that connection you feel tense and are not too clear what’s response wanted of you is that is that what’s going on for you right now and now i’m worried that you’re really annoyed and just would like me to leave you the hell alone and i’d like you to tell me if that’s going on you wouldn’t drink so damn much you wouldn’t get to sleep that’s going on inside of me but i had the good i had the good sense to bite my tongue and not say it so now i have to give myself some other empathy because i’m angry now if you wouldn’t drink so damn much and go to sleep at three o’clock in the damn morning you would you wouldn’t be so dead but i know you’d never think that way i’m giving myself out loud the self-empathy i’m pissed right now i’m just so freaking angry what the hell does she expect going to bed at three o’clock and half drunk you know what’s she doing to herself does she have any concern for herself then at least she should be aware of how this is affecting me i try now now that i’ve enjoyed the jackal show in my head see i call that part the jackal show uh and enjoying it i don’t think i should think differently if it’s in there it’s in there so i just enjoy the jackal show i i if i want to really make life worse i’ll tell myself if marshall heard these thoughts going on in my head he’d think i’m a terrible jackal no i don’t i don’t say i should be a giraffe now and give her some empathy no no no i enjoy the jackal show that’s going on in my head and then i looked behind the jackal show to what my needs are and now the anger is fear i’m scared i’m scared to death for her well-being i’m sad that i don’t know how to help her i feel powerless damn this is hard damn this is hard then i can start looking for her because i’ve got myself back to life i’m really down in touch with myself so you’re really kind of worn out right now kind of hard to deal with difficult stuff between us when you’re feeling this tired i really hope that we could at least get a start at it right now though because i’m scared to death i really have a need for your well-being and i’m scared with the hours i see you keeping the drinking and i’d like you to tell me if you’re hearing any criticism in this yeah and so you’re worried partially about school want to get there on time and if that’s all that’s going on i’m quite happy to set another time for us to continue this i just need to know though whether you would be willing to look at this relationship between us when we when you have time okay now it’s this evening i’m glad that you’ve agreed to continue the discussion and i just need to be sure that you’re doing it because you want the same thing i do and not out of guilt or afraid of my reaction so i’d like to really tell me how you are feeling about this conversation right now kind of mixed not too sure the one thing i’m feeling is deep gratitude that at least you’re willing to do it because it’s i have such caring for you and tenderness for you all mixed together with fear and a bunch of feelings and it’s it’s a great it’s a gift for me that we’re having this opportunity to talk and i’d like to know how you feel when i tell you about all these strong feelings that are going on in me in relationship to this talk right now notice i seldom if ever so far in the dialogue with her have used more than 40 words before asking for a reaction and those 40 words were mainly to tell her what’s in my heart and as soon as i did i elicited a reaction the more words we use before getting a connection with the other person the less connection they’ll be well i i i’m glad you care about me and i’m going to say some other things and it would be a great gift to me if at any time you hear me criticizing or making any demands that you stop me because that will not be my intent in no way do i want to criticize you in no way do i want to pressure you to do anything that you don’t choose to do so it would help me if you’d be willing to stop me at any time you hear either of those things would would you be willing to do that i’m scared when i see you drinking beer for many reasons one just your physical health but more than that i’m scared that you’ve got some pain inside and you’re dealing with it through the beer and if that’s so i would really like is to find another way of dealing with the pain i’d feel relieved now if you tell me what you hear me say so i can see if i’m making myself clear well what i hear you say is that you’re afraid that i may be dealing with my pain and confusion um by staying out late and drinking beer thank you for hearing that yeah and and if that’s so i’d like us to find another way of dealing with it how do you feel about that oh i don’t i don’t really think it’s that big of a problem i don’t see what the big deal is i don’t think it’s a problem i’m wanting to give evidence now of why it is a big problem how much beer i see going on some things that have happened when she’s been drunk so i had to take a deep breath so it’s kind of frustrating for you know how to deal with this because for you you’re not worried in the way that i am yeah you’d like some trust that you can handle it i can take care of myself that helps me get clear then i guess what i’d really like to do is leave the drinking for the moment and i’d really like to know what it would take for you to share with me what is bothering you in a way that you would feel safe to do it so i could feel more connected to what’s really going on in you what would you need for me to feel the safety to do that well i’d like to i’d like you not to talk [Music] yeah yeah so you’re thinking of some of the discussions we’ve had and how uncomfortable you were with that and you’d like to avoid getting into those kind of listening to me talk about things i just i just feel with you dad that i just i can never do anything right i just can’t i can’t do anything right yeah yeah now i’m jackling myself a bit i’m thinking of all the lecturing i’ve done and uh beating myself up and i hear behind that just my sadness because of how much i want this connection now i can start to hear her again so you certainly want to avoid getting into any discussions that end with you ending up feeling hurt because you not didn’t get the understanding you wanted and instead we’re hearing criticism yeah yeah and i feel really sad because i would have liked to have listened so much differently in the past than i was able to so i have no trouble understanding that need of yours i would have liked to have responded differently that’s mourning in giraffe you see i i didn’t think i’m a bad father i’m very clearly just mourning that i would have liked to have responded differently than i did and i’m confident that i can listen differently than i did in the past i can express my pain differently so that you’ll get more understanding and there won’t be the criticism and i’d like you to tell me how you feel when i tell you i’m confident that i’m learning how to do that okay [Applause] now you do well first of all let me say that i think the biggest the biggest aha for me when you were doing that was allowing the space and the time to empathize with my jackal the part of me that was like oh geez you know the the the part the the the anger the frustration the helplessness uh that i feel in not being able to reach her and um because i i realized what i was feeling was i should know how to do this i mean i’ve just invested in this seminar why can’t i figure this out or so then it becomes a jackal beat up what you were saying and there was a like there’s uh there’s that that needs to happen the the the support for feeling all those feelings the jackal feelings need to happen before moving on into putting on giraffe ears well it’s putting on the giraffe ears internally listening to the jackal messages inside getting connected to my needs behind it oh it’s see i’m glad that you’re seeing the importance of taking our time you see uh many many of you have been in workshops before have seen me show this picture that i carry in my with me everywhere i go it’s very powerful for my daily meditation it’s a sun it’s a picture of the sun of one of my israeli friends and it’s the sun is in this picture about 21 years old and he’s wearing a t-shirt that says take your time on and this was in a book that his father wrote about him after his death he was killed in the battle of lebanon and it was this picture was in the book and it was the last picture taken of the son alive and when i s he gave me a copy of the book as a present and when i saw this picture i said yeshua do you have that picture could i have a blown up copy he said yes i’d be glad to give it to you he said why i said that’s very important to me because that message take your time is one that i try to remind myself of daily take my time to come from an energy i choose to come from rather than the one i’ve been programmed to come from you see it’s so important to me i need reminders of that and then my friend yeshua said then you should know the rest of the story i went to his officers afterwards and said why did you send him into that anyone would have seen he was going to get killed they said we didn’t take our time to think you
see so that picture has great power for me to remind myself no matter what the conditions take your time course i told you yesterday i think the group was with me yesterday that my oldest son wasn’t appreciating this one time when i was listening to my own advice to take my time we were we were in an argument and i was trying to take my time to come from a different energy and his friends were waiting for him and he said daddy it’s taking you so long to talk and i said do it my way or i’ll kick your ass i can say that quickly he said take your time dad take the time people who know me in my jackal state are very patient yes taking the time to come from an energy we choose to to do the work on ourselves at that moment i call it bringing myself back to life i know whenever i’m angry guilty depressed or shame i’m not alive i’m up in my head jackling people myself or others i’m not alive i’m not really connected to my needs or theirs if i react out of that energy i’ve never gotten my needs met so take my time take my time come back to life before i open my mouth okay dad we’ll use this mic here so i’m sitting there like this what do you say to me gabby i feel sad and frustrated about my communication with you and i have a need to connect with you in in a new way in uh in a way that perhaps i haven’t connected with you before and i was okay and i was wondering if you would like to talk about this you know i i i sense that you feel tired right now yeah and it’s just what i want right now to hear your criticism well i want to i want you to know that i can empathy before reassurance so you’re feeling you’re feeling tired right now and you’re feeling that i might criticize you never hear what a jackal-speaking person thinks so don’t hear that i think you might criticize never hear what another person thinks about you hear what need is behind it here are only the needs behind it so yeah i think you might criticize me so translate that into a need what is my need that you’re feeling protective you need to protect yourself you have a need to protect yourself from criticism yeah now i can hear what you were about to say first but i needed that empathy first well i can appreciate that and i’d i’d like you to consider giving me the opportunity to to speak with you what do you want to say i’d like to [Music] establish a a new kind of connection with you let the speed of light go to a present request after your needs are on the table with the speed of light elicit a reaction from the other person i’d like to establish a a new kind of a connection with you and i’m wondering when a good time would be for us to sit down and explore that okay we’re there at that new time now okay and now we’re at that time so what do you want say the same need now i want i said to you earlier today i wanted to establish a new connection and what is your present request to me right now about that new connection uh let me give you several uh suggestions i’d like you to tell me if you’re interested in this if that would meet your need gaby i’d like to establish a a new quality of connecting with you and and i’d like to know if you’d be interested in that what kind of connection but now notice you see he used far fewer than 40 words he didn’t go on to explain the new connection now i’m asking for what i need to know we have a dialogue going he’s not talking at me so now he’s what kind of connection a connection um in which i can better understand what your needs are and on a present request does that clarify for you the kind of connection i’m talking about always end on the present request that keeps the flow going and i’d like you to tell me what some of your your current needs are in our family so i can be criticized again you’re always criticizing me i ca gabi i can see that you’re hurt by some of the things that i are you feeling hurt never sound like you’re telling the person what they’re feeling are you feeling hurt not i can see are you feeling it are you feeling hurt right now and always connect the other person’s feelings to their needs are you feeling hurt right now because you’re not being seen that’s my thought but hear the need because you have a need for understanding that isn’t getting met are you feeling hurt right now because you have a need for understanding that isn’t being met yes yes you’re always saying cruel things to me well i’d like to i’d like to try to no enjoy my pain now enjoy my pain see now this is a good chance to practice the key ingredient of nonviolent communication how to enjoy the other person’s pain now to do that you must first release yourself from any responsibility for it see if you’re sitting there thinking oh my god look what i’ve created you’re not going to enjoy my pain at all if you think you have to make things better or heal this you’re not going to enjoy my pain you’re going to be in agony until you can fix it and everything you do to fix it’s going to make it worse so you can enjoy my pain by trusting that there is a miraculous energy that works through human beings that can heal anything if we do what is necessary for that energy to work through us and what is it that we need to do to have that energy work through us to remember the buddha’s advice don’t do something be there so the silence that i was getting back from you for the first few seconds there that was more more precious just that you didn’t immediately jump in and say but but just that space where you weren’t so scared of my feelings that you had to say something is that alone was helpful but it would also be helpful to just stay with stay with that’s how that miraculous energy works through us when we just connect with and what i mean by enjoying the pain of course is not that we want the person to be in pain it’s really what i mean is enjoying that that energy is always there to heal anything that we don’t have to fix it that energy will that’s what i mean by enjoy it to trust that energy and do what we can to let to let it work so in addition to the silence which was powerful continue with are you feeling because your needings even if you do it silently that would be helpful as long as that’s where your attention is but say it out loud now just to get the rhythm yeah so you can keep saying these things and make me feel terrible i don’t need any more of that are you feeling hurt because you you’re needing some understanding yes but you never give it to me all you do is okay i got the empathy from the silence in your eyes so you must think i’m stupid for so emotional that’s my way of saying i need to know how you feel now dad i’ve made myself very vulnerable i really care about the way you feel gabi and i have a need to be connected with you and i’m wondering if you’d be willing to continue to explore this with me oh any reactions you want me to make him suffer a little bit more yes i think it could have happened this quickly and it could have been another hour two hours but i just wanted us to get the rhythm yes yes generally unless you’re unless you just want to talk about boring subjects and you don’t want any connection i’m saying that when that when we want a connection with people about emotional issues express what’s in your heart your feelings your needs in about 30 words and then take the rest of the 40 to make a present request human beings in an emotional situation it’s asking a big gift to them to give you their full attention for the 40 words more than that your chance of getting the tension you want is one of the reasons we use more than 40 words is we’re so scared about making ourselves vulnerable that most of the unnecessary words that we express are to justify our feelings or to justify our needs we think we have to justify sell the other person on the importance of something not realizing that those words decrease the likelihood we’re going to get the connection we want so feelings and needs and then quickly that should be 30 words to say what they did are present feelings in relationship to it our needs and then present request and when it’s one person that we’re speaking with keep in mind it’s always the same request i’d like you to tell me now what we want them to tell us that can go in different directions but we usually forget that see because this requires our being are living in the moment or being alive right now being conscious of what do we want and that’s a consciousness that not many of us have developed i’m i’m very concerned about reestabling trust with her right now and um i want to be [Music] empathetic with with her own needs and if her need isn’t to have eye contact with me or to even face me bodily i want to respect that because part of what i’m feeling is um that out of my intention to connect i can be overbearing and in that overbearing i want to in many respects i want to give her even though i know you can’t do this i want to give her the power you want to respect her choice i want to respect her choice i want to be more attentive to her own needs and her own power and if that means backing off physically and not being so um interface but i think there are times when the other person wants this desperately more than the words they would like me either to have the eye contact or to touch them and so then i do that with somebody and they say leave me alone quit patronizing me so that’s what’s fun about human beings we we can never know ahead of time what’s right but we’ll find out yeah so sometimes it helps the eye and sometimes it doesn’t so we have to be conscious as we’re offering it how is the person receiving it is it in harmony with their needs sometimes that touch is more important than any words sometimes but i want to make sure when i touch it isn’t there there you’ll feel better see it’s not to do that it’s just another way of saying i’m with your feelings in me i’m with you i’m with you you’ve
made it so obvious i don’t think i need to say anything but i’m with you you’re aware of how important this whole thing is to start with oneself if you’re not connected to the life in yourself it’s going to be very hard to connect with others reminds me of a time right here in san francisco now about i think it was about 1970 i was at a participant in a workshop and uh at one part in this workshop but we were working in small groups and one of the activities they gave us in the small groups was a rejection exercise to pick one person in the group who you felt the least comfortable with lead them by the hand out of the group then go back to the group and explain why you didn’t want that person around so you that person got a chance to know you were being talked about uh okay you got the exercise then after this after everybody had a turn if you wanted to know and you were one of the rejectees why you could ask for it okay so i was in a group with five other people and i was selected by four of the other five and uh i was curious i asked the people the reason and the first three i knew how to handle it i didn’t feel bad about it at all because what did they do they said you’re an intellectualizer you sit there we never hear what you’re feeling you don’t say much and when you do it’s in the form of an analysis so notice they’re doing the same thing to me when they say you are an intellectual so i was sitting there enjoying it because i know how to deal with that i was diagnosing what’s wrong with them for being so insecure with my my style you see the but the other member the fourth one was a young man and i wish over the years i had known his name to tell him how important this was to him all he said was i i just i’m scared of you i’m scared of you when i never hear your feelings and that probably was one of the biggest gifts i got so i’m saying this only because i can tell you for about the next six months i envy your 12 word feelings or six or whatever you said because i think i had two i feel good i feel bad i mean but even that even that made a difference that i was looking for the feelings instead of immediately with the analysis i’m also thinking of a woman in topeka kansas she went home with those lists and she had a argument with her husband the first evening and she said just a second i want to use what i was learning today it says for me what am i feeling right now let me look she goes down this list right and she says my two children got up and they looked over my shoulder and said mommy is it this one no it’s not that one and then she said even my husband got up and he got so regular he says what about this yeah yeah that’s it and so and then we all laughed we just saw it and laughed you see so how wonderful yeah that’s a good way to learn [Music] [Music] yep okay now who is the other party in this [Music] sorry oh i feel incredibly vulnerable about this um this is my don’t know how to define her my lover i guess okay has been uh there’s been well anyway she yeah so friends directly to her let’s hear the message that you started today with what is my message to you that’s hard to deal with what is my message the one that i asked to begin this whole dialogue a hard to hear message please that’s not easy to hear is a please that it’s not easy for her to hear or it’s easy for me to hear what does this person say it’s not easy for you to hear with giraffe ears well it’s more what she hasn’t said what hasn’t this person said uh what’s going on what’s been going on so we were living together and there was a clearly expressed talk to her now okay let’s just talk to now just then you started off what do you want to say to her speak in giraffe as best you can to start off so what do you want to say to her i feel um a lot of pain and sadness that you haven’t let me know what’s happened now if you want to what’s been going on with you you want to bring the other person into it yeah start with when you okay but after you get the pain i feel pain and now you say that you that won’t work it’s going to be very hard for the person not to hear that they’re being blamed for it you see once our feelings are on the table we want to connect our feelings with the speed of light with our needs and once our needs are on the table with the speed of light a present request everything else that gets in the way between the feeling and the need going to reduce the likelihood will be understood everything else that gets in the way between the need and the present request is going to reduce the likelihood so if we want to make an observation i would recommend starting with it when you before you get to the feeling okay i’ll try it feels difficult to get from what seems like a distillation of a story to the essence yes and that’s good practice for us all because most of the stories we tell get in the way of our getting what we want right especially if we want understanding for our present pain and we think we have to tell our listener what happened in the past by the time we get to the present pain they’re asleep yes we don’t need to talk about what happened we need to talk about what’s alive in us right now about what happened that’s where the healing takes place that’s where the connection takes place so the the fewer words for the observation the better the real focus of the the message needs to be what’s alive in us right now our present feelings and needs when you avoid that’s a diagnosis oh god oh my god when you may be an accurate diagnosis but it’s a diagnosis um well the the experience i’m having is what is my behavior what’s your behavior yes that you’re interpreting as avoidance when you don’t [Music] address um you don’t tell me when you don’t tell me why you’re not following through on agreements yeah they got it from the past that’s or intentions that now if you want now if you want to make life miserable for yourself you’ll document that by showing several times i would not recommend it i think that that’s more than enough talking about the other person okay now what we want to do is get to the heart of the matter okay now we want to go in your heart and say how you feel right now about that what needs of yours are not met and your present request we’ve used about eight of the the forty words okay now to our present feelings and needs i feel hurt yep and not valued oh no i feel hurt that’s how you are interpreting this that’s the person who’s invalid and abandoned i feel hurt and just feel hurt huh okay i feel hurt [Laughter] now if you’re if you’re conscious you’ll see that 90 of your pain is not because your need isn’t getting met in this situation it’s because you’re interpreting it that you’re not valued and you’re being abandoned see most of our pain in a situation like this is not at the loss of our need not getting met it’s created by our images of what is going on well actually so if you carry an image of not being valued and being abandoned were going to really suffer i’m actually not feeling it it was more like a thought left over okay so i feel curved let’s not get it in there because okay when these are not left over but they are present i’m saying they create more pain for us right and doubly they the problem they if they say them out loud the other person is likely to hear that as a criticism and we’re going to get further from getting our need met so let’s see race abandoned okay not valued let’s stay with the hurt okay and now with the speed of light connect that with an unmet need i think i have to start from the beginning okay when you don’t follow through when you don’t do what you when it when when you don’t do what you said you would do you would do okay with regards to our relationship yes i feel hurt yeah and what i want because i’m needing don’t go to the request until you get the unmet need because i need connection uh trust yeah that is right trust trust okay i need to trust that things will be done when people say okay and now to a present request with the speed of light to the present request and what i’d like is yes for you to um follow through on that’s general and future what i’d like needs to be a clear present request that’s a vague future request i’d like you to follow through i’d like you to let me know what happened well that’s a future thing clearly there’s a lot that’s come up but she’s not shared with me what it is so what i’d like your present request i’d like to know what’s going on inside of you now we’re getting there now we’re getting i’d like to know what’s going on inside of you what you’re feeling i’d like you to tell me what what do you want this person to tell you right now where you’re at how you’re feeling but those are two different things where you’re at could take four hours and not give you the how you’re feeling okay um about your previous commitments about the agreements that we made yeah about the agreements we made good that’s that’s the four things all right now what is this what would be a challenging reaction for you to get at this moment from the person that would be a good test for your giraffe ears yeah well actually i think if i was that clear it might not be too giraffey but [Music] i i maybe some i don’t know what i feel i don’t know okay that’s a good one that’s a real good one i don’t know and of course we know from the tone of voice that the person didn’t hear you see if a person hears what’s in our heart you will feel from the tone of their voice and the look in their eyes that they just received a precious gift this doesn’t sound like this person received a precious gift i don’t know so we know they didn’t hear us anytime you look in the other person’s eyes or not the look of a little child receiving a gift from santa claus we know they didn’t hear us if we’ve spoken pure giraffe we will see in the other person’s eyes the eyes of a child receiving
a gift from santa claus if they look like this they look like this they’ve heard a criticism i don’t know so can i no not can i um i’d like to ask you to tell me what you think i said so i can tell if i made myself clear you said i didn’t honor our commitments um yeah [Laughter] i did you did say that but that isn’t the main part you wanted her to hear right see if only if the person just hears that then you hear a criticism so the real important part that’s why i say the focus of our message the part that needs to be the most the focal part of the whole thing are the feelings and needs if the person is not connected at that level you’re not going to get what you want for reasons that you want so it’s that part which gives us power with people when they see what’s in our heart that increases the likelihood that if they do what we want we ask it’ll be coming out of the energy that we want it to come out of us if they just hear the request they don’t see what’s in our heart they may be giving in giving up giving out a fear of punishment so this person heard just your observation that they didn’t do what they said they were going to do i also said i also would like you to hear that what i really need um i’m sad because i need to feel connected with you and i want to know how you’re feeling about that well i’m sorry if i hurt you and now you’ll pay for it see until we clean that up because if the other person feels responsible for our feelings we will soon be the biggest drag in the world for that person it would be more fun for them to be with a serial killer than us so how do i do that exactly [Music] well you need to point out that she didn’t hear what you said so let’s learn how to correct the jackals misunderstanding first of all we do not want to say that isn’t what i said we do not want to say you’re misinterpreting we do not want to say no what do we say thank you thank you yes because the person did what you asked she told you you didn’t say i want you to tell me what you heard me say and get it right sucker you didn’t say you said uh i’d like you tell me what you tell me what you heard so i can see if i made myself clear so she told you she’s hearing you blaming uh make guilt guilt-tripping her telling her that she’s making you feel sad or hurt so she’s apologizing i’m sorry if i hurt you i’m sorry if i made you feel sad so you need to say thank you for telling me that’s what you heard i’d like you to hear a difference between what your stupid jackal ears heard and what my giraffe tongue said you don’t want me to say it like yes i want you to say okay but i’m not sure it would be the best for you to say it then maybe i need to just be willing to hear it inside and no talk to myself what we need to do is just be aware of how frustrating it is for us when our messages aren’t understood and give ourselves some empathy for that so when we do say i’d like you to hear it differently it doesn’t come from that energy well the one that really comes from thank you for giving me this chance to be clear but i’d like you to hear a difference between my saying you’re responsible for my feelings or you made me sad and just that the main thing i need you to hear is what need of mine isn’t being met see that’s the main thing i need you to hear that the need for connection so could you tell me that part so it’s mainly you want me to hear your need for connection isn’t getting met thank you for hearing okay so now what do you want from the jackal the jackals understood you now what do you want what i want is to know how you’re feeling about the commitments you might feel that you’re i feel that you’re too demanding oh my gosh [Music] of course if you had giraffe ears on you wouldn’t have heard that did you hear that she said that you were too demanding say it again i’m going to try to listen with giraffe ears or something else i feel that you’re too demanding are you feeling a little uncomfortable with me asking this question nope not with that see that oh still the same variation still taking responsibility for the other person’s feelings you see you say that’s still implying that you are causing the other person’s feelings okay it’s not good for the other person for you to re reinforce that because the whole culture in which they’ve been educated in reinforces the idea that other people can make you feel as you do yes so you don’t want to reinforce that that’s violent for everybody to believe that you can make another person feel as they do so let’s try it again are you feeling uncomfortable because are you feeling uncomfortable because i asked you oh no wait are you feeling uncomfortable because so i can’t say i okay that’s pretty clear never connect yourself with the other person’s pain are you feeling uncomfortable because i you you need my need because no the other person’s the other person because you’re needing you’re not because you’re needing a sec autonomy sounds more right than anything anybody else is saying because you’re needing but you’re wrong do i go right away there to there okay yes even if you don’t do it out loud that’s all you hear are feelings and needs with giraffe ears on you never hear what another person thinks about you you’ll live longer i’m just not sure what she’s needing we don’t have to be sure even if you guess wrong better to guess wrong what the person is needing okay then to hear what they think about you well are you feeling oh my gosh when you when i no i don’t understand gosh this is what happens to me i just feel look what’s happening to me oh it’s like this every time i’m like in the jaws yep and i just feel so like devastated yeah it’s very painful and you get caught up in that and don’t know how to get out of that you’d really like to be able to connect without having to go through this torture yeah yeah so let’s uh to give you a little different kind of practice let me use some modern veterinary science and graph some giraffe ears onto this giant okay now you don’t have to worry about giraffe i’ve got the giraffe ears on i’ll i’ll do the giraffe work so very often this happens in our relationship to you and you’d like me to see how painful it is when you get caught up in what i say and lose connection with yourself yeah yeah and then you see how i react to that and it gets us further apart and it’s even more painful for you yeah and i feel really scared when you get angry and defensive yeah yeah and reactivated yeah you get scared you’d like to be able to connect with what’s alive in me at that point and and at that moment you’re just overwhelmed by the feelings and yeah yeah and real sad because you really want to have that ability to connect with me no matter how i’m communicating more than anything in the world our relationship is really important to me and i’m so frustrated that this is so difficult for me yeah for us so when you want something so much to not be able to connect in a way that makes it happen it just is a it’s a very painful feeling it’s a deep yeah feels like a suffering for me yeah and i feel like um it’s been so frustrating to have worked so hard and i still don’t feel like i have the skills or something that i need in order to effectively connect with you and not fall into this kind of place of collapse yeah so as much work and energy and hope as you’ve put into trying to break out of this it’s discouraging and really like to have more results by now [Music] yeah i feel like there’s something wrong with me that i can’t it is yeah you get discouraged with yourself you really want to understand what keeps you from being able to do this yeah that’s true it seems like you know there must be something i’m just not seeing i don’t think there’s really something wrong with me but somehow but you would really like to learn from this what’s keeping me from doing this yeah it’s frustrating not to see what’s keeping me from doing this exactly as much as i want it it’s it’s very frustrating despairing even the class to not be able to make the connection that will get you the intimacy that you need exactly yeah you like me when i wear these ears [Laughter] i have the feeling that you know you want the same thing with me and it would make you very happy if i could show up with giraffe ears well can you hear me now or do you want me to hear you more no i would like to hear that what you have to say first i’m very touched that you un for that empathy yes because i have almost word for word the same feelings that you just expressed and i i desperately want a certain quality of connection and i too wish that i knew how to to act to make that connection and i wish especially when i need empathy i was i communicated differently than i do instead of saying the things that i do about when i’m angry i wish i knew how to say those same things in terms of the pain that i’m really feeling behind those judgments of you and i wish i knew how to say what my needs are at that time and i take responsibility for how i say things certainly would put a test of anybody’s giraffe ears to hear it wow i feel very touched for you to tell me that it it’s been really painful it’s been so painful and i really didn’t know you felt that way did you get so angry frustrated yeah blame me yeah yeah and you’re so adamant about feeling like you don’t think you should have to change anything yes yes the more my inner jackals tell me there’s something wrong with me the more i resist that and deny any responsibility my inner jackals are brutal with me i can hear that and then when anybody else suggests that i gets changed then i i am adamant about it not wanting to hear that it’s hard to deal with hearing outer jackals when your inner jackals are making demands on you yeah i can relate to that yeah thanks so if i’m understanding you jacqueline what i said this morning is really what you’re trying to say that
when you are trying your best to say please and have the most desperate need for empathy with what’s going on in you it’s coming out in a way that is very easy for other people to hear as an attack exactly exactly and it’s a nightmare it’s a nightmare when i’m needing empathy the most i communicate in a way i can’t see how anybody could give it to me well i’d like to see if i can do it jacqueline would you give me some testimony giraffe ears i’d like to see you at your jack-o-wurst and see if i can hear the pain behind it oh yeah it’d be fun for me okay so now you’re the jackal i’m the jack and i’m you and i’m gonna really try to put the giraffe ears on when you need it the most but it’s the hardest to do wait a minute am i me or her you’re her i’m her at her most jackless self okay and i’m going to test whether i can wear these ears under those circumstances and the jackal needs me to do it the most where’s my seatbelt uh you’re always trying to change me [Music] and manipulate me and control me here’s what’s going on inside of me now my jackals are going crazy you know why this is the extreme test of giraffe eaters she’s telling me that i am but i’ve always feared i might be right yeah oh boy this jackal really knows how to give my giraffe ears a test she’s telling me that i am what i’ve always feared i might be now if these damn things are worth anything they should work under these conditions but it’s it’s the ultimate test of quality level giraffe ears whether they work when the other person is telling you what you are what you’ve always feared you might be because then you’re you’re hearing a jackal message out there it’s saying the same thing as your inner jackal message so yeah i’m having to do some emergency first aid work here put these ears on inward oh my god i’m overwhelmed right now i’m judging myself why am i such a controlling horrible person what’s wrong with me i can’t even imagine what i’m feeling and needing behind this all i can hear i’m a terrible controlling person what’s beneath it what is my need beneath that judging myself that way yes i really would like to express my pain in a way that doesn’t feel oppressive to others i really would like to be able to express myself in a way that others didn’t didn’t stimulate this image that i’m controlling it didn’t threaten their autonomy now maybe i can hear her feelings so it sounds like it’s really aggravating for you that you you would like to be able to express yourself and trust that you’ll be understood and your your needs will be understood and you don’t always have that trust you never do that yeah it’s really hard to trust you yeah so you really would like to be understood and you’re feeling kind of hopeless about whether you can get that need met anything else you want to tell me jackal while i have these giraffe ears on you’re always running life out of your agenda and i can’t stand it yeah yeah you really want to feel like what’s alive in you is valued and you’re not having to adjust yourself to someone else’s needs or standards yep and more than anything i want you to get outside of yourself and have some compassion for what i’m going through yeah so you’re an enormous amount of pain right now and it’s when you really need this understanding the most that it’s hard for you to deal with what’s going on in someone else you really need the empathy yourself yeah and i didn’t i haven’t been talking to you because i don’t you can’t give that to me so you’re feeling hopeless about getting that in our relationship and and you want to protect yourself from the continuing frustration and pain of trying for it and not getting it yeah on the other hand i’m still here yeah so there’s people just haven’t known what to do so so you’re stuck there’s still a part of you that’s hoping we can connect in a way that’s valuable to both of us but you’re feeling more and more discouraged about that i do feel hopeless yeah um is the more you would like me to hear jack i wish i didn’t feel so hopeless and i wish i wish oh well i wish i didn’t hurt you so much [Music] when you see me when you see me in pain you feel in a lot of pain yeah and i feel like i’m to blame you’d like to really contribute to my well-being and it’s very painful for you and you see me in pain yeah and i feel like i’m to blame yeah yeah you’d like to be able to connect with me at that time in a way that’s nurturing for us both rather than blaming yourself yeah yeah there’s a chorus of jackals in my head when i see you in pain i can’t even stand to be with myself and so i get angry at you and i scream at you and it’s really because they’re all screaming at me and i’m overwhelmed yeah yeah well i never saw that before i am glad that you asked me to talk with you even though i still feel a lot of pain there’s a little bit of a sense more of a sense of connection and a glimmer that maybe it would be possible to really be able to connect feeling like you’re hearing me right now and oh i feel just as desperate for you to hear me and have compassion for me as i think i hear you saying you want from but i still feel kind of overwhelmed like this feels like a big task and i feel like i just like crawled one little step but that’s big cry from running a marathon which is kind of what it feels like it’ll take to be able to have good communication ongoingly between us can you hear how i feel about this jackal right now or do you want some more empathy for me if i told you the truth yeah i’m hurting so much about this yeah i guess i’d like you to hear that yeah yeah i’m grateful for your honesty so you’re still needing more awareness of just how painful this combination is for you yeah and i know i act really tough like cool like this isn’t bothering me but i just don’t know anything else to do when i feel so overwhelmed and frustrated so i guess i want you to know that yeah yeah yeah you’d like me to be aware that you’re aware that you express it sometimes in a way that might be hard to hear but you still need empathy at those times and how painful it is for you and you don’t know how to express it differently or you don’t get the empathy you need it’s very discouraging for you i think i noticed that i feel ashamed of my needs like i can’t ask you to give me empathy uh in a way that makes it easy for you to do it because i don’t really believe i deserve it and i don’t really also trust that you can do it so when you do have such a need part of you worries that you even if you ask for it i wouldn’t you wouldn’t be you wouldn’t really get it the other part of you is pretty brutal with yourself saying you shouldn’t even have the need so then you don’t ask for it your pain builds and then it comes out in a way that makes matters worse and that’s even more painful yeah i can see that i’ve been so angry because i haven’t felt okay about this need i have really yeah that’s the big insight for you right now that’s important is awareness of how you’re not able to see your own needs as a gift wow it’s even a little hard to take that in yeah just scary to go from thinking there you shouldn’t even have them it’s disgraceful to imagining it as a precious gift to somebody well i feel very vulnerable about having these needs especially with you yeah i feel uh really more vulnerable with you than anyone and terrified of you seeing that because then you could control me yeah so being that vulnerable you’re really scared to put you in a position of worrying about how this could be used against you you could be controlled with it you have used it against me yeah you’re remembering in the past your memory now leaves you with more fears and wanting to be sure that this doesn’t happen again it’s really scary just even let you know this is a huge risk for me it’s scary to let you for you to let me know what’s alive in you yep and i notice i’m feeling angry now i want to uh attack you you want me to understand you want me to understand what’s happened in the past that contributes to your fear yeah you want me to see how my behavior has stimulated this and played a role in it yeah and i also want you to hear how sensitive i am about this that’s the main thing how scary it is for you to be talking with me at this level yeah to show my vulnerability to have any needs yeah to let you know yeah okay i really felt like i was able to hear her heart a lot i thought the way you played her role i thought you were really empathizing with her yeah yep you had the giraffe ears on it seemed to me yeah played her role with giraffe ears on and i think the thing that i saw that had kept me stuck was when she get angry i felt so terrified and i i didn’t trust that there was someone who cared under the anchor and and i felt what was deeper and my only fear right now is that uh trusting that when i try to talk to her that uh i still won’t get scared by anger or make any mistakes you know so let’s see why should i talk to you all you do is try to control me all you do is have your agenda nobody else’s agenda matters a damn are you feeling are you feeling like nope no no um not are you feeling like or that you’ll be hearing what comes out of the person’s head okay never hear what the person thinks i do i hear you i feel like i hear you [Music] um wanting me to really hear you yes i’d like for once that would be wonderful that would be wonderful if for one time you could hear me give up your agenda for even one second want me to care about what’s going on with you and you can you can’t you couldn’t if you tried are you hurting from um i don’t know how to get from here to there i it feels like you’re hurting and you really need for me to hear how painful it is yes that i haven’t yes yes you in the past yes [Laughter] okay [Applause] [Laughter] yes at the same time i had a sort of a technical question which is thinking about feeling need request
as i was listening to you give the empathy the request was always i guess implicit like have i got it right or you know um and i was i was wondering about i mean when i was empathizing yeah is the request no when i’m empathizing with another person’s pain i assume that the present request is always for me to react to what they’re saying in a way that they feel a connection at the heart level i guess as to whether that would be best done verbally or silently but i don’t deal with the request yet not when the other person’s in pain not until they’re finished with the empathy that’s their request that’s their request with my request but there’s no when you’re empathizing when i’m empathizing with them yeah is there any requests that you’re having inside other than the only request is is am i connected with you to your satisfaction either i say it verbally or it’s in the form of a question just the tone of voice okay thank you [Music] um i noticed at one point you responded to her when you were the giraffe earlier by saying something like you want me to know that my behavior in the past has contributed to your pain it says something like that it was a stimulus contributed but didn’t cause yeah it’s a stimulus that was my question from in my mind that’s always a slippery slope in this kind of thing a very slippery slope the main thing is that i be conscious that i’m never the cause of the other person’s pain but i do want to take responsibility for my behavior see i’m responsible for what i did the other person is responsible for how they took it okay that’s a slippery thing it’s a very important thing to keep that consciousness of what we are responsible for and what we cannot be responsible for the very word responsible means response able able to respond so i cannot take responsibility for something over which i have no control so i cannot control how the other person takes what i do which will affect how they feel so i’m not responsible for that but i am responsible for what i did and if she were wanting in that moment for you to um in some way acknowledge that what you did you know if she persisted in kind of trying to get you to say you’re sorry or acknowledged that you did something to hurt me or whatever i want you to acknowledge that you know you’re responsible for my pain yeah so you’d like some understanding for how painful this has been for you more than that i want you to see how you were responsible for it yes you would like me to acknowledge that my behavior stimulated what happened was the stimulus for what happened okay yes no i want you to see that you’re the cause of my feelings you hurt me you hurt me yes you want me to see the role that my behavior played and you’re feeling hurt okay i’m willing to see it it was a stimulus but i i you see once i have this clear i will never have to say i’m not the cause of your feeling i’m not responsible see i’m only saying that when i’m just getting this myself and i’m becoming conscious of how much of my life i’ve been tyrannized by other people’s feelings and so when we’re breaking out of that prison then you’ll you hear a person going through a stage i call emotionally obnoxious emotional slavery is when they feel responsible for other people’s feelings and then when they start to get a glimmer of how much of their life they’re not leading by feeling responsible for others they get this freedom and then somebody else is i’m frustrated that you didn’t i’m not responsible for your feelings well what if what if you didn’t lose your temper no you couldn’t hurt another person if you tried i’m serious you cannot hurt a person even if your intention is for example hurt me um well this is all good in in the academic but it doesn’t work in the real world yes and if i hear what you said i would be hurt but that would be my choice to hear what you said rather than what i was hearing was in your heart if i hear what’s in your heart i’m not going to get hurt by that i’ll see an opportunity to learn something me yeah but what if what if i lose my temper with my kid who doesn’t have the maturity to he to separate my hands still he’s still responsible for taking it as he does uh technically responsible but you are responsible for saying what you did especially if you know that he’s a child that may not have giraffe ears you’re responsible for why we would say that given that you have a pretty good prediction he’s going to hear it that jackal is but the child is still the only one to control how he takes it it was still his actions his he’s hearing it and believing it that’s the cause of his pain we can show three four five-year-olds how to deal with a father like that well when when is my internal jackal just good super ego to realize that i should have been more sensitive to my kids natural immaturity to take something that’s the responsibility i’d like you to be looking at like you to look at then why you are not changing your behavior and then i’ll work with the child and showing him what he can do even if you don’t change i don’t want him to think that his security rests on whether you changing and incidentally i recently in ojai california taught how to do this we were dealing with how to hear jackal messages with giraffe ears and i dealt with five groups in one day the first group were the students aged six to nine the next group 10 to 12 13 the next group 14 to 18. the fourth group i dealt with were the teachers and the last group were the parents in the evening the six-year-olds got it real quick the teachers even though they had been in the when with the students when i did it with them they still had a heck of a time with it because the kids had less programming to unload exactly exactly fewer words being trained to hear criticism as criticism you see but if you can train them real quick never hear what an adult thinks you’ll live longer and you’ll learn more from them than if you hear what they think it’s toxic if your parents or your teachers have been educated to speak jackal it’s toxic to hear what they think yes our apologies out of the question then apologies are not possible because apologies are based on the premise that somebody did something wrong so rather than apologize you say you regret your behavior yes you mourn sincerely you mourn not that you did something wrong but that you didn’t meet your own needs everything that every human being has ever done is out of holy purposes to make life more wonderful now sometimes our actions fulfill our needs to make life more wonderful and sometimes they don’t so we need to celebrate when they do and mourn when they don’t and any kind of self-blame will interfere with the learning no so giraffe morning it sounds something like i was about to do some giraffe morning uh but we didn’t stay in the role long enough if i had been in in your place i might have mourned this way i might have first of all wanted to celebrate and say how touched i was that you given how vulnerable you feel that you shared so much of yourself with me just now and i can’t think of a more precious gift that i could have received and i’m sad right now because i would have liked to have been much more sensitive to your pain than i was see i didn’t do anything wrong but i it would have been much easier for me to hate myself in one respect because i’m so used to that we get so trained to hate ourselves in a jackal world but to really mourn requires going more deeply into myself it’s many respects more scary to see just how sad i am how i would have liked to have been more aware but the other person won’t have to pay for that but they’ll have to pay for it if i apologize because they’re a stimulus now for my guilt shame and every time a person is a stimulus for our apology they’re going to pay for it because to whatever degree they are a stimulus for what makes me apologize i’m going to have harder to give to them out of a good energy in the future there’ll be a part of me that’s giving to avoid the judgment that i agreed with i felt so stuck with constantly this sense of this energy in the space of being blamed and feeling guilty and not being able to be free of something kind of hovering over me in my in my inability to have communication intimate communication effectively so um i really appreciate that distinction very much it’s kind of a doorway to freedom finally stop blaming myself about it be careful about the objective of stop blaming so you never set an objective to get rid of something well when it always said always set your objectives to what you want to do differently that will be more effective and less costly never try to get rid of something how about i have an opportunity to learn and grow from everything i do every day and that’s that’s now we’re getting it now every time i do something that doesn’t meet my needs i want to use it as an opportunity to grow and learn now you can put the negative in there rather than to beat myself up the main thing we need to do is to get clear what the new option is i learned this the hard way many years ago i put this in the workshop it was during the vietnam war and i was on the television debating the history the war with an editor of one of the local newspapers in st louis and this was taped videotaped so i could go home and watch it later on you see in the evening so i’m watching myself now and oh my god there i am doing everything i can’t stand when other people do it in a debate i’m the total jackal if ever you’ve seen one oh it was painful to watch but i said okay i don’t if the next time i’m in that situation i don’t want to do a i don’t want to do b i don’t want to do c okay now apparently people like these kind of blood curdling things and because they got a lot of listener reaction and i was invited to continue the debate with him people love violence and so i mean i was invited back
to continue the debate the next week they had a lot of listener reaction to this so the next week though i’m going to now be a good giraffe so all the way down to the television studio i’m saying now remember don’t do a don’t do b don’t do c don’t do a don’t do b don’t do c the program starts and he comes at me the way he had the previous week and for 10 seconds i was beautiful i didn’t do a i didn’t do b i didn’t do c i just stood there like this and can you guess what i did after 10 seconds a b and c and i made up for the last 10 seconds and that taught me you know it’s not enough to get clear what i don’t want in in those situations i have to get crystal clear what i want to do instead it’s more likely to get my needs met and create less problems yes just just my own clarity when you say you know you’re not responsible for what something happens to somebody else you’re not talking physically you know no not someone they’re not responsible for happening i’m responsible even there technically if we want to get real philosophical about it i’m still responsible for my actions right and nature is responsible for the other person’s death but you wouldn’t say that the other person is responsible for the other person not for their death because you’re saying in the other case on a verbal level that we are responsible for our own pain if somebody says something nasty to us and we take it in but you wouldn’t say the same thing if somebody you know cuts our stomach open exactly okay you see and if you look and this would come so powerful to you if you follow me around in my work when you see like i have a friend from rwanda who was hiding underneath the sink when and heard her three children being killed her husband her brother and for 11 days she survived by hiding underneath there because the people who killed them stayed in the house so she had to sneak out at night to get a little water to survive and get back underneath there and then each day they would celebrate that she would hear them celebrating how they killed the people now i know this woman very very well and she’s never been angry she hasn’t repressed any anger you see now i can get ready to kill somebody who’s taking too long in the checkout line of the grocery store you see so you can’t make somebody angry even if you kill their families it’s how we look at it now this woman looked at it in a way that created great pain she i would call it natural pain she suffered immensely but the way she looked at it the kind of pain she felt has led her to unceasing efforts to prevent this happening to anybody else and why did she originally come into my workshops with such a giraffe orientation to the world because she wasn’t knowing how to deal with other people from her own tribe who had similar things that hate her because she’s working for reconciliation rather than wanting to gain vengeance you see so the majority of the people in her tribe had similar things happen they have such rage all they can do is live for the day when they’re going to get revenge and all of her energy is going into preventing this happen to other people what stimulus could more powerful than that your family being killed even that can’t make us feel anything it’s how we react to it [Music] so [Music] you