Contents
0:00:02 – 0:01:15 | Introduction
The session opens with a brief introduction of Marshall Rosenberg, referencing his childhood in Detroit in 1943 and his lifelong question of why some people lose compassion while others retain it, ultimately leading to the creation of NVC.
0:01:15 – 0:03:56 | The Intention of NVC
Marshall jokes about participants ruining good relationships by practicing NVC incorrectly. He shares an anecdote about a woman who used the mechanics of NVC but still judged her son as “lazy and irresponsible”. He emphasizes that the true intention of the process is to create a connection that makes it enjoyable to contribute to one another’s well-being.
0:04:19 – 0:07:03 | The “Given To” Song and the Joy of Giving
To illustrate natural, selfful giving, Marshall shares a song called “Given To” (“I never feel more given to than when you take from me…”). He stresses that giving should never be done out of duty, obligation, or fear of punishment, as these take away the joy of giving.
0:07:33 – 0:11:52 | Intimate Relationships & “Santa Claus Energy”
Marshall transitions to intimate relationships, contrasting the desperate “kick me” energy of justifying needs with a joyful “Santa Claus energy”. He encourages presenting needs as a precious gift that gives the other person an opportunity to contribute to your well-being.
0:11:52 – 0:26:06 | Making Requests vs. Demands & The “Yes-Saying Jackal”
Through a roleplay about asking a partner to lock a gate, Marshall demonstrates the difference between a wish, a request, and a demand.
He warns against the “most dangerous jackal”—the partner who always says yes out of obligation to buy love, sharing a story of a husband who kicked his pregnant wife out at 2 AM after eight years of compliance.
He also uses a story about hospital nurses to show how people naturally forget to do things when they hear a request as a demand.
0:26:55 – 0:31:59 | The “Chronic Forgetter”
A participant identifying as a “chronic forgetter” explores how to hear requests without taking them as demands. Marshall discusses how to present requests so they are received as a gift rather than an order, addressing the concept of “male-itis” in the process.
0:32:20 – 0:38:18 | Empathizing with Silence
Marshall teaches how to handle situations where a partner responds with silence. He shares a powerful story of sitting with a 28-year-old woman in a mental hospital who was completely silent for four days until she felt safe enough to hand him a note asking for help expressing what was inside.
0:38:35 – 0:48:08 | Handling “No” as a Gift
The session covers how to receive a “no”, reframing it not as a rejection but as an expression of a need that is preventing the person from saying “yes”.
0:51:32 – 0:57:44 | Giving and Receiving Needs
Marshall roleplays a husband who gives selflessly but struggles to voice his own needs. He illustrates how difficult it is for some men (due to “male-itis”) to accept that expressing their own needs is actually a gift to their partner.
0:58:18 – 1:05:02 | The “Tender Love Song” and Needs vs. Strategies
Marshall sings “I Can Always Count on You” to transition topics. He then addresses how conflicts seem unresolvable when couples argue over incompatible strategies rather than focusing on universal needs, sharing an anecdote about a couple married for 39 years fighting over money.
1:15:48 – 1:27:35 | NVC Fundamentals & Avoiding “Fake Empathy”
Upon request, Marshall briefly contrasts Jackal and Giraffe language regarding asking someone to clean a messy room. He then uses a roleplay about a partner’s cat allergy to warn against “fake empathy”—rushing to fix the problem before the other person feels heard. He highlights the principle of empathic connection with a story of a mother who successfully empathized with her 15-year-old son’s smoking.
1:27:35 – 1:36:41 | Dealing with Extreme Jackal Behavior & Sexism
Marshall tackles a roleplay where a husband claims his wife isn’t allowed to have needs because she is a woman. Diagnosing this as a severe case of “male-itis”, Marshall demonstrates how to hear the underlying fear and the husband’s confused need for respect (which he misinterprets as obedience) instead of taking the sexist remarks personally.
1:44:19 – 1:57:27 | Parenting, Homework, & “Teen Dementia”
Addressing a mother’s conflict with her 13-year-old son over homework, Marshall roleplays the son, playfully diagnosing “teen dementia” (forgetting things heard as a demand). He emphasizes the absolute rule of “empathic connection before fixing or advice” and refusing to act out of “have to” or “should”.
Intermission
2:00:50 – 2:05:39 | Intermission & “Good Morning Pain”
The organizers announce a break, taking a consensus vote to give everyone a 5-minute stretch while Marshall plays music.
Following the break, he shares a song about welcoming difficult emotions (“Good morning pain”).
2:07:47 – 2:12:38 | Empathizing with Internal Demands
The session resumes with a discussion on how to give oneself emergency first-aid empathy to handle internal “jackals” and anger before attempting to connect with others.
2:28:42 – 2:37:21 | Addressing Sensitive Issues (Body Odor)
Marshall coaches a participant on how to address a co-worker’s body odor without it sounding like a demand or criticism, emphasizing the importance of checking in on the connection before making a request.
2:37:35 – 2:47:16 | Criticism vs. Expressing Needs
The focus shifts to making the distinction between criticizing (“you’re not treating me equally”) and expressing a clear need (“my need for equality is not being met”), helping participants translate vague expectations into doable actions.
2:49:55 – 3:05:21 | Final Roleplays: Future Choices and Grief
The session concludes with roleplays involving a mother worried about her 17-year-old son’s future, where the son requests empathic connection before receiving advice. The final roleplay deals with a partner expressing overwhelming sadness and grief over disconnected relationships, reinforcing the power of pure presence and connection.
Roleplays
1. Locking the Gate (Making Requests vs. Demands)
0:11:52 – 0:26:06
A participant practices asking her partner to consistently lock a gate for her safety, learning how to present it as a true request rather than a demand.
2. The Defensive Partner (“You Never Listen”)
0:38:35 – 0:48:08
A woman practices asking her partner to listen to her, while Marshall plays the defensive partner who immediately hears criticism and responds with, “You just put your butt in my face”.
3. The 10-Minute Listening Request
0:48:33 – 0:51:32
A talkative participant wants to ask her quiet partner to listen to her, and they work on how to establish a connection without imposing a rigid 10-minute time frame.
4. Overcoming “Male-itis” (Hearing Needs as a Gift)
0:51:32 – 0:57:44
A woman expresses that her husband doesn’t know what to do with her needs, so Marshall roleplays the husband, demonstrating how to overcome the cultural conditioning that men shouldn’t need help, and learning to receive his wife’s needs as a gift.
5. The “Chronic Forgetter” (Enjoying the Pain)
1:00:54 – 1:15:48
A man who identifies as a “chronic forgetter” asks for help. Marshall plays his wife to demonstrate how couples can create intimacy by learning to “play with pain” (hearing pain empathically) rather than rushing to fix the problem.
6. The Cat Allergy (Avoiding Fake Empathy)
1:18:55 – 1:27:35
A participant tries to communicate her need for her partner to stop wearing cat-hair-covered clothes to bed. Marshall demonstrates the danger of “fake empathy”—rushing to the solution of cleaning the clothes rather than truly connecting with the partner’s underlying needs first.
7. The Sexist Husband (“Women Aren’t Allowed to Have Needs”)
1:27:35 – 1:36:41
Marshall helps a woman empathize with her husband after he claims she isn’t allowed to have needs because she is a woman. Marshall diagnoses the husband with a severe case of “male-itis” and helps translate his sexist remarks into a deep fear and a confused need for respect.
8. The Blackberry Brambles (Needs vs. Strategies)
1:38:21 – 1:44:19
A participant struggles with a conflict over using herbicide to clear aggressive blackberry brambles. Marshall guides him to focus on the underlying needs for safety and unconditional acceptance rather than arguing over the strategy.
9. Teen Dementia and Homework
1:44:19 – 1:57:27
A mother practices approaching her 13-year-old son about his homework. Marshall plays the son, acting out “teen dementia” to show how teenagers naturally forget or resist anything presented to them as a demand or a “should”.
10. Addressing Body Odor
2:28:42 – 2:37:21
An audience member asks how to confront a co-worker about their personal hygiene. Marshall coaches her on checking the quality of their connection and ensuring the co-worker doesn’t hear criticism before making the sensitive request.
11. Consensing on a Shared Agenda
2:37:35 – 2:47:16
A participant practices requesting that she be treated as an equal and included in setting the agenda for shared activities, learning how to distinguish between expressing a need and criticizing her partner.
12. A Son’s Future (Empathy Before Advice)
2:49:55 – 2:56:41
A mother practices expressing trust in her son Gabriel’s future choices. They focus on the strict rule of offering “empathic connection before advice” to ensure her concern isn’t heard as a demand to fix him.
13. Overwhelming Sadness (Connecting with a Daughter)
2:56:41 – 3:05:21
A participant experiencing deep grief over disconnected family relationships practices expressing her sorrow to her daughter (played by Marshall). They work on expressing sadness vulnerably so the daughter doesn’t feel blamed or guilty.