These were VHS tapes 7 and 8.
Text transcript – intermediate stage
Making Life Wonderful (Part 4)
An Intermediate Training in Nonviolent Communication
with Marshall Rosenberg, Ph.D.
San Francisco, Spring 2000
(Marshall singing:)
Yeah I wish, I could remember,
there’s something of worth in me,
when the depths of myself shows through,
and you say “No” to what you see.
(End of the song)
So we now know how to hear ‘no’.
We don’t have to deal with what I dealt with, when I wrote that song: giving our power away and reading in things like rejection and so forth.
So now that we know how to hear ‘no’, let’s learn how to say it.
So, first write down what one of those messages might be, that’s coming at you from another person.
What does the other person say, that would meet either one or both of those criteria?
It would be a challenge not to lose connection with your need and get lost in theirs or
even if you didn’t get lost, it would still be hard to say ‘no’ to it.
Yes?
(Participant:)
This is from a typical aged child. My six-year-old who when something has come up, she will say: “Well, what is more important than me?”
(Marshall imitating theatrical painful tone of voice:)
“What is more important than me?”
That may be the winner today.
I think you hear all of these people already thinking: “Only a cool mother would say “No” to this.”
Yeah okay
(Participant:)
Don’t complain about picking me up – if you didn’t want to have kids, you shouldn’t have them.
(Marshall:)
Anything that has a “should-ought” expectation makes it really easy for me to say “No” – but other people might have trouble. So I’m glad we’re getting a diversity here. So, other messages … Yes.
(Participant:)
“You said you wanted to (whatever it is)
(Marshall:)
you said. you wanted it
(Participant:)
you wanted it
(Marshall:)
you said you wanted it
you wanted it, yeah …
Okay now:
How do we say ‘no’ in giraffe?
The first step is probably the hardest and that is to show sincerely in our eyes that we received a beautiful gift from this request.
See, when people believe that when they trust that their request is received as a gift,
then no matter how else we say no it’s going to be easier for them to hear
but what’s painful for people is not hearing no it’s feeling like their need doesn’t matter
everybody got the first step
now most of the time this is in the eyes you see for example you asked me what I might whatever it is you ask me would you pick up some something on the way home and and now here’s what’s going on in me oh my god how do I tell that I’ve got so many other things to do so the first thing you see are the eyes between oh my god oh my god you see these eyes
you see what I mean how does that make you feel if you have jackal ears you will think that it was your request that created my pain you got me and if we believe that our needs or our requests can create pain we’re toxic
that’s what’s painful not hearing a no but when we feel like our needs are toxic you see and that happens often with this combination of the person on the receiving end feeling so scared about saying no and they don’t realize that that fear in their eyes is the worst pain to the other person of all if they have jack leaves because they’re going to say oh my god look what my needs do to people I’m toxic
so the first thing we do is to sincerely have the eyes of the child again getting a gift from santa claus it’s got to be sincere and it will be sincere if we see it for what it is here is a human being in front of us expressing a need and a request that’s what we hear with giraffe is and whether we agree to do it or not it’s still again this person is giving us an opportunity to make life wonderful for them that’s one of the most precious gifts another person can give us an opportunity to make life wonderful for them so that’s what we need to communicate back to them first of all with our eyes or if we’re using words here we could empathize so you’re really running behind schedule and it would be a big relief to have me drop off and get that for you see just to show an empathy for the day but I don’t have to say it necessarily if my eyes show that I receive a gift
so that’s the first step in saying no now the second step has two parts what not to say ever and what to say instead okay so to say no in giraffe we never use the following words no
okay make a note of that you see to say no in giraffe never say no
next I don’t want to
never say I don’t want to never say I’m not willing never say I can’t
never say I don’t have time
we’re about to run out of it pretty quick I don’t have time never say it’s not possible
never say it’s not in the budget that’s what not to say now what do we say we express the need that keeps us from saying yes
notice how this is just the other side of how to hear now notice we’ve been learning how to hear no by hearing what is that every no is a poor expressed yes when a person says no they’re really saying I have a need that keeps me from enjoying giving to you right now okay but now we’re on the other side now we are the speaker we want to make it easy for people to hear that by and so we say the need of ours that is keeping us from saying yes
yes
what if you really have an absolute no if you put out a need that is preventing you and if they fill that need all of a sudden now you’re the next need and the next need and the real answer is no never gotten down to what’s really been the need behind the note to begin with what is the need behind the note it keeps you coming
okay everybody got the second step now very important after we have said the need behind the no the one that keeps us from saying yes that we follow that with the speed of light with a present request
that demonstrates
this second intention on the board here that we value others needs being fulfilled equal to our own so we have just said the need that keeps us from saying yes now we make a present request that searches for a way to get everybody’s needs met see we don’t just stop and say no I’ve got this need I’m going to take care of no no we’re still equally interested in the other person’s need getting met as our own so we follow it up with a request that searches for a way to get everybody’s needs met
everybody got that then practice it in your situation now what do you say back to the person that demonstrates the last two things let’s assume that you have given them through your eyes that you received a gift let’s skip step number one let’s go to directly to two and three express what how you would say the need that keeps you from saying yes and the request that searches for a way to get everybody’s needs met my original request was um that the other person the other person yep um he said I need you at the shop on friday what time will you be there
i need you at the shop on friday what time will you be there okay so let’s that’s what this jackal just said and let’s hear what you say back to the jackal so I would say I have a need to protect myself from the frustration I feel when I’m at the restaurant would you be willing to try working without me and call me only if it’s unbearable
okay now if this person that’s giving him a chance to meet your need if he can enjoy doing that to protect you and he might seeing that might be willing to risk it himself that would give him joy to meet your need maybe not but at least you’ve shown that you’re interested in what his needs are whether this would meet his needs to do that fine who else got one yes I’m afraid I haven’t got it very well because here that first one again it was a dandy if I can remember what was the jackals response was my six and a half-year-old daughter’s respon her her request
her parents are coming to san francisco to the nbc conference now you’re trying to make me feel guilty
and arrangements have been made for her to stay the night with a friend and she has known about it and looking forward to it and the night before she says don’t go don’t go and I say I’m going to a class that’s very important and I’m going to be learning some wonderful things what’s more important to you than me what’s more important to you than me I said you’re very important to me
i love you the class is important but in a very different way and then and then I didn’t know how to handle any different ways I said I’ve made arrangements I’ve made commitments you already knew where you were going and we’re happy to have the arrangement made that we made we spent more than an hour talking about it in this way she’s not hearing a thing you said no it was it didn’t because she needs she needs empathy for what’s more important than me
you said you said you are important to me which is a jackal statement oh you are important to me there’s no such thing as being important to someone it’s a vague abstraction so you need to empathize with what is the person’s feelings and needs when they say what’s more important than me so not answering that question but to look deeper for hear hear the present feelings and needs being expressed through that message what is the person feeling and needing when they say that are you scared that we’re going to be gone that we never connect the other person’s pain with you connect it to their needs
are you scared that you’ll be alone are you scared that you’ll be alone no but you care more about those workshops than me
your own daughter
precious and six years old
i don’t need to help this six-year-old I don’t know why I’m doing that it’s not necessary
feelings and needs feelings and needs you need something you’re you’re feeling sad that you think something is more important don’t don’t ever hear what a jackal thinks don’t encourage them to think see what is a need what is the need behind you think that’s more important than me what’s the need
what need we don’t have to be right but just guess and need are you worried because you need what this person needs because you want me to be with you no that’s a request that’s a strategy you want me to be with you what’s the need are you worried because you’re going to be at someone’s house overnight well that’s what that’s that’s where the person’s going to be but it doesn’t say a need
you need to feel safe I’m safe but I’m safe that’s not it just
need to be assured that what need is going to be meant that your need is what what need love
how would we put this in words that a six-year-old would understand can you care about me are you feeling sad and need reassurance that you’re cared about that you are valuable yeah
that’s much more powerful to empathize with that than to immediately jump in and say you are because if you say that to a six-year-old they’ll say and he thinks thou doth protest too much okay so what does valuable mean mom what does valuable mean well then I put it in other words that you cared for that you matter that you is that making sense yeah you care more about those workshops than me so you need to really have your need to be cared about matt you’re not sure at the moment
so I empathize with that but I make sure that I never do anything to prove to another person that they’re cared for
see
i might I might take her on my lap and hold her I might agree not to go on the workshop but not to prove that I care for her
because if I do anything out of that energy the child will pay for it
see if I’m a giraffe I never do anything for the child
giraffes never meet anybody’s needs but their own
they are self-full
not to be confused with selfish not to be confused with selfless self-full I might stay home if I would enjoy contributing to this child’s happiness if that would meet my needs to do it but not if in any way I felt giving in not in any way to keep the child from interpreting that they weren’t loved that isn’t going to meet anybody’s need I might stay home but not to prove that I care for them
actually what the person would need is that empathy that was just given more than anything and then they need to trust that what comes back is honest
so even if I spent quite a lot of time with her saying I’m really sad that this is making you feel so unhappy that wasn’t very helpful if that was done second it would be different than if it’s the first thing she hears because if you start with I’m sad that it isn’t that’s sympathy not empathy I’m saying we need to start with empathy when we say I’m sad that you feel that way I’m talking about myself I’ve left the other person over here all alone with their feelings
so I start with so you’re feeling really sad and need assurance that you’re cared for yeah the other children’s mummies and daddies don’t go off all the time
yes so don’t defend yourself and say this is only the second time in your life never hear what another person thinks
never encourage comparative thinking see this person’s already learned what we teach many people in our culture to compare themselves to others look at most of the ads you see they’re all taught us to compare ourselves to some ideal you see the danger of that if you don’t know how to compare yourself yet if you didn’t learn that jackal trick read daniel greenberg’s book how to make yourself miserable he even has exercises in there to teach you how to do this he shows a picture of a very beautiful man and a very beautiful woman with all of their measurements on the picture
the exercise is this take your own measurements
compare them to these beautiful specimens and think about the difference
and this book produces you know the title says make yourself miserable well it produces do that exercise you know and you think you were you were happy before you’ll be depressed now after you compare yourself to these beautiful specimens and think about the difference and you think in fact you’re as depressed as you’ll ever get you turn the page and he says now this was just a warm-up because we all know that beauty is not important now let’s compare ourselves to others on something that is important achievement and how does he do this he get he claims to have pulled several people from the phone book for you to compare what you have achieved at your stage in life with what these people did now here’s why I get a little suspicious of this guy he says he pulled him from the phone book but the first name he pulled was mozart
he says now this gentleman mozart by age x I think eight had written several pieces of music which have lasted over the centuries as masterpieces by age eight he could speak four languages now compare what you’ve achieved in your life with what mozart did at age eight and think about the difference you see so no we don’t want to encourage this poor child to think in that comparative way so we don’t even want to hear the thought we want to translate it into a need see so you’re feeling really sad and need reassurance that mommy and daddy really care for you yeah that empathy is what the person needs more than anything else you see that demonstrates more of the caring than but I do you see
it’s hard sometimes to hear a question and not answer that question so what you’re saying is go for listen for the need behind it yes answer no question until you first feel you are firmly connected to the person’s heart behind the request see the the question is always a request never respond to a request until you have first connected to the need takes all the joy out of doing anything that people want if we don’t see the need
okay now say the need now after the empathy you might have more chance of being understood so say again what is the need that keeps you from saying yes in few words this is a six-year-old what’s the need that keeps you from saying yes
i’m going to a workshop that will help me to be a better mother and a more loving person of course those are dangerous abstractions we don’t want this child to think there is such a thing as a loving mother or what was that second better person a better person there is no such thing as a loving person there is no such thing so we don’t want to be abstractions that don’t exist we want to do something real in life so you want to learn ways of connecting in a more loving way with it
that’s possible but it’s not possible to be a loving mother okay so I’m going to this uh I’m going to san francisco to learn better ways I have a need oh because I have a need to learn better ways for connecting with you in a loving way could you tell me what you heard me say could you tell me what you heard me say you you want to learn to to be connect with me in a more loving way that’s right then you’d stay
home so you’re um you’re still feeling sad that I won’t be with you you’re still feeling sad and need reassurance oh that’s cared for you’re still feeling sad and need reassurance that you’re really cared for
what can I do stay home I’m sad about that you think that I would like to see some other way that would work about meeting that need because i’d like to find a way that could meet your need and mine
yeah i’d like to find a way to meet both
i wouldn’t say this to the child at the moment until I could figure out how to say it to a six-year-old but you see if I meet the child’s need and not mine the child’s going to pay for it
so I want to be sure that I never do anything for other people
the other person will pay for it
so could we find a way to meet both your need and 90s what do you mean i’d like to have some other way of having you feel cared for other than having to give up what I want
could you tell me what you hear I don’t know what you mean how would you feel if I said that you love me that you give up wanting me home
how would you feel I wouldn’t like it yeah I’m sorry i’d like to find a way that we can both get I need that yes
i would say uh this is school for me just like you go to school and when I come back I want to figure out a way where we can go to school together if you don’t add a present request to that I think you’re going to miss a learn an important learning opportunity um what would you like to do with me ask this request could you tell me back what you heard me say yeah could you tell me what you heard me say I’m betting against eighty percent of the people of any age hearing it and anybody age six i’ll go up to ninety percent too many words not only that the abstraction i’ll bet you as most adults would take three three tries before they could get that and we’re not going to learn that unless we learn to check out whether message sent is message received we can go through life throwing out thousands of messages that don’t register use far more words than we want to use and the other person wants to hear we don’t learn that unless we keep asking could you tell me what you heard me say yes
i’m finding in many situations that I will ask somebody to tell me what they heard me say and they will be able to repeat the words but the energy is not even remotely what I would like any suggestions what to do then yes I still get my first need met but then almost any time after I’ve been understood especially about when we’re talking from the heart my next request is i’d like you to tell me how you feel now so then we’ll deal with why the energy isn’t too good but I first wanted to find out whether the message was received okay that’s that’s they’ve heard me but now I need to know what is the feeling behind that energy
i understand that and that in many situations makes me skip to that question directly because I don’t
i don’t see value in having somebody just repeat words if there isn’t really understanding there well I do see it in some situations not all I see it great because if their lack of tone of voice is because if their lack of energy or their negative energy is because of a misinterpretation I want to clear that up it might be just clearing up what they didn’t hear so okay I’m not asking for empathy heresy don’t get this mixed up with empathy I’m not asking for empathy I’m just wanting a check is message sent the message we see so I don’t want the empathy they don’t have to do it with a good energy I just want to be sure that they’re hearing that now if they’ve heard it okay then we go to the next step what’s going on in them so my son says I’m trying to leave the house and my son says
and he’s crying and of course he doesn’t want me to leave and
i’m still struggling with how to explain my need to do other things to a 19 month old
i can give him the empathy in other words I feel good about how I give him empathy but I don’t feel as much clarity as I would like about expressing my own needs in that situation yes I don’t know how to do that either in a way that I can be sure the other person hears it but I do believe that if I’m saying my needs I come out of a different energy they’ll hear a different energy than the other things I’m likely to say I told you so if I’m at least in touch with my needs I think that the energy will be different so i’ll say it and then also
where even if the person doesn’t understand those words now their language will be much different at age six the more they hear this language now so even though they may not make it out the hearing of it I think is still important so i’d still say the need
could you tell me that so they don’t maybe hear it yet okay but then I would empathize with them I don’t know much else to do
i’ve solved one of my biggest problems uh I just it’s a little hard to know how to implement this you don’t have children go directly to grandchildren but now how to do that I haven’t figured out I feel somewhat hesitant about this one because it um it brings my jackal right up to like oh you’re so petty and selfish and that’s such a good practice it’s such a little thing that’s a good one what is this a person asking you my neighbor said uh so I think i’ll go to the uh farmer’s market with you on saturday morning
i think i’ll go to the farmers market with you on saturday morning
and I’m like oh [ __ ] that I don’t see you in your eyes yes you’ve just received the precious gift
that’s the hard part here to give yourself enough empathy to quickly say so you’d really like to some company shopping yes yes and a ride yes uh-huh yeah
now this is going to be great because one of the messages we really need to know how to say no well and I’m serious about this is when this is the last person in the world we would like to spend time with okay that’s when we really need to know how to say no accurately how do we say the need that keeps us from saying yes with someone we can’t stand being around so this is a very good application of this skill so let’s see how you do it and this is it’s not so much that in terms of her although it turned out to be a little bit that in the process of what happened that afterwards but it’s because this particular saturday morning going to the farmers market is like the only time I have to spend with my best friend because her life is so busy that we’ve carved out this little space we go to the cafe first that’ll be easier than the one I had in mind so we’ll practice the one I had in mind next okay okay so now now say the one that you just did um okay so she said I i’d like to go I look forward to going to farmer’s market with you on saturday I want to say that would be really nice but um the eyes would say if you do that first part or out loud so yeah you’d really enjoy going to the market with me yes then you don’t have to say I i understand but now you can come right to the butt now say the need that keeps you from saying yes so i’d like to say yes but do I say that no here’s the need that keep that keep me from here’s the need that keeps me from being able to say yes to that um saturday morning going to the market is the the only time that I have to spend with my best friend that doesn’t say what the need is and and how clear we can say the need the easier it is for others to give they have to have that need in mind what need am I meeting what need am I fulfilling
you could say it’s pretty obvious in this situation but it still is different to hear the need itself and to have to see it implicit in the statement so I haven’t I have a need for um for intimacy and connection with with my friend and it’s the only time we have yes in the course of the week yeah now present request so I understand that just write to the present request so i’d like you to tell me i’d like you to tell me if
how you feel about what I’ve just said
all right
i um
i sense that you’re feeling sad it’s not the first time I’ve been rejected
oh thank you
um
are you feeling sad because
you also have a need for connection and friendship
wonderful yeah you didn’t get caught up in the rejection imagery which is how she’s interpreting it as a rejection you heard the need behind that
yes
jackal did you interpret a rejection yes of course how else could I hear it if you interpret rejection you’ll be rejected
what do you mean who wants to be around somebody that if you your needs are not in harmony with them they suffer because they take it as a rejection it doesn’t take many of those jackal before no one’s going to want to be around you
no no no I am giving a little panoramic view of how dangerous it is to even believe there is such a thing as rejection
actually I this was gentle I wrote it in a poem once much more viciously it’s a short poem goes like this nobody wants to be around me that’s why
see how sad to take it as a rejection which almost guarantees nobody’s going to want to be around you
this question does bring up the fact that we do make choices about people who we want to spend time with and who we don’t and
especially in times when there’s little time it becomes very obvious somehow who is more important for us to spend time with than another person and I have yet to find a real authentic honest way to express that yeah that’s uh that’s what I was wanting to work on I was hoping this situation might be that one which would be an even harder one so let’s now say to another person this message in giraffe think of a real person that you comes closest to the person you’d want to say this to you are the last person in the world that I would like to spend any time with okay now how do you say that in giraffe to the person you have in mind
the name of this curriculum item is how to reject people so they love it
now oh I forgot to give you the warning be careful about doing this because it will teach you more about yourself than the other person it will teach you some painful things about yourself so proceed with caution I don’t really feel that connected with you and I think uh our needs would both better be served if we look for people that we connected with well that’s not as bad as it could be come on but it’s missing some important ingredients first an observable behavior people can learn from negative performance evaluations very valuable things if they can get concrete observable behaviors if they don’t have that it’s going to be hard to enjoy and learn from the evaluation so let’s start with that what is this person doing or not doing that makes it hard to connect with them and you may have to work on this because usually what comes to our mind are money diagnoses we’re much more literate at diagnosing than we are being clear about observations but what are the observations what does this person do or not
when you say that I’m responsible for my son dropping out of college and never going back okay so when I hear you say when I hear you say things like when my son etc and I’ve heard other comments for me of that genre okay and how do you feel when this person says that I feel defensive I feel angry angry angry and you feel angry because why
i feel it’s well I feel attacked you interpret as an attack right it’s not a feeling it’s an interpretation and that’s why you’re angry I feel uh you know you’ve explained it you’re angry because you interpret this as an attack as criticism and criticism right and while I’m concerned about my son as well I feel that you hold me totally responsible so and I see you holding me totally responsible and I have another judgment of you that that isn’t fair yes so I not only believe and not only I’m interpreting that you are making criticism and judgment but you are making unfair criticism and judgments on yes yes and therefore I have this request of you what is the what is the request oh what’s the need what’s the need you’ll have trouble finding the need because you’re angry you see your head is so filled with those judgments attack criticism and when your head is filled with those judgments you’ll have trouble finding your needs of course if you had giraffe ears you wouldn’t have heard the criticism you wouldn’t have in that sense you wouldn’t have heard any criticism that you wouldn’t have thought it was unfair so the problem of course is not that this person said what they did the problem was you received it with jacqueline right yes I was putting judging myself and then you’re judging them right see you did what I was warning you not to do never hear what a jackal thinks see when they said that okay that was the first thing I would have liked for you I really disappointed that jay didn’t finish college and what is yeah you’re feeling disappointed and need to really and have a need for jay to develop himself in a way that will help him in the future yes yes you have the same need right yes so where’s the conflict
there’s no conflict at the need level you both have the same need right she uh expects me to uh pay for it or to pay you know part of it and you would like me to pay for part of it right not expects so you don’t hear an expectation if you have a giraffe years you never can hear a demand or an expectation you hear a gift she’s giving you a gift an opportunity to so you’d really like like me to give some money for this yes yes
and I told her no and that was not acceptable well no it’s not that the no was not acceptable you said the no out of an energy of having heard a criticism a judgment an unfair criticism and with the energy out of which you said that no matter what you said she would have gotten defensive
because she didn’t get empathy to begin with that first step in saying no is the empathy instead of getting empathy she got a jackal clobbering who interpreted her as judging criticizing unfairly and so forth okay let’s have you all practice this okay
i this is really scary for me to tell you this but I’m really attracted to you
and I really have a strong need for an intimate sexual relationship with you
would you be willing to invite me to your place this evening
okay now how do you say no
this is what this is my wife’s birthday bring her too
chicken
okay come on now I wanted you to practice where you don’t have a wife but
this person is not this is not the person you want so how do we say that in giraffe anybody want to tackle this difficulty you’ll try
um thank you for the invitation already I feel good because she looked like she meant that so I can already better able to hear them now
i
i
sense your feeling for me is sincere
i
um
i understand I hear that you have a need for companionship and intimacy
i am not able to answer your request
i’m not able to
let’s see I have a need
to to honor my
commitment for
monogamy
and I would
request that
we find another way of having a friendship or having relationship
perhaps we could I could got all those ingredients into me
yeah well that’s true we’re working up to that we’re working up to that okay first of all I know she’s not married she’s not into a monogamous relationship she was lying you know that was no let’s say that was the real if that was true that that would be the need but yeah we really we really I’m really wanting us to practice when uh and I did opt out for that because I couldn’t think of the other thing so that’s what I want us to do to know how to say those needs in that situation yeah it’s also one that presumes that the mic I guess
in there it presumed that that was an honest thing from you and that you wanted a relationship but what about the scuzzy guy that is just you know hey I’m just hoping to get lucky I mean then then when you answer why is that scuzzy but so what if I just said you know i’d just enjoy having sex with you would you why is that schedule no but I’m defining it as the scuzzy guy because it was a very it was I can see that you want to have a relationship you know because there were many relationships yeah just sex yeah okay well either one all right yeah she can’t wait to say no to me when we get down to this level
i think I’m going to take off from where you you you started um uh where you are at part where I want to honor not monogamy but say I’m single um I want to honor um my my own particular needs uh around who I’m attracted what what uh what I’m attracted to who I’m attracted to she’s getting into the courageous area I wanted to get into so let’s see how this sounds this is the hard move I’ve done this I’ve had some practice okay
i’m in trouble I want to honor my own needs around around who I’m attracted to and um
and and I and I’m not interested in having sex with just anybody who asks me so
if we could erase that let’s erase that last sentence I thought that just up until then was pretty honest that you had a certain you had certain needs in terms of what what spell out the needs more that I don’t meet not attractive in what sense the spiritually physically all of the above none of the above in what way don’t I meet your needs what needs don’t I mean do you want it do I know this person yeah well imagine a situation uh
what needs a mind don’t you don’t I mean when you say I’m somehow I like what you said kind of philosophically but I think it can even be more powerful for this person to get down to being very specific very specific about the need and the observation
um
um
i I experience um
i’m aware that I i need someone who has tools in communication
i’m glad you said in communications
how about this not I value someone when we’ve talked I haven’t had my need for a depth that I would like met understanding uh-huh it’s my needs I’m not saying you’re not a deep person I’m saying that these needs of mine weren’t met uh-huh and I would be reluctant to want to enter into an intimate relationship with someone that those needs aren’t easily met could you tell me what you heard me say see certainly in this area i’d want to be sure the person didn’t hear there was anything wrong with them I’m only trying to say what needs a mind has nothing to do with them i’ll tell them the observable behavior like last night you talked for an hour about baseball not something that I particularly am interested in and I would have liked for you to check with me whether I was interested in this and so
i tried anyway you see what I mean a little bit more specific about the need and then certainly on this area i’d want to check out that the person didn’t hear there was anything wrong with them yes but then what if they turn around and say well I understand that would you give me the opportunity to meet your needs so you’re kind of confident that now that I’ve expressed it that you could need it and you’d like an opportunity to see if that could develop between us but what if you really don’t hold it now I’m just trying to empathize I first empathize I just want to be sure I heard the person and heard their needs remember that’s the first part of saying no because I’m going to say no again so I but I wanted to start with a sincere openness I wanted to be open I wanted to hear what this person is needing so you’re really you’re confident that this could evolve and you would really like the relationship enough for me to give some time to see if it could evolve yes
i’m uncomfortable with that I’m uncomfortable with that I don’t have the confidence that this kind of quality between people if it’s not there I don’t want to have to work at it I really want it easy so there’s no chance I’m not saying there’s no chance I’m saying at the moment I would rather have begin a relationship with somebody that at this level at this level there’s already there’s an easy connection i’d like you to tell me how you feel when I say that I understand where you’re coming from anyway that’s
what I remember about the earlier part of this conversation was that we had changed it to I think we had changed it too that they didn’t want a relationship they just wanted to have a one night stand so well there’s two here we got the two mixed up so okay either one so which one would you like us to deal with one of those that we didn’t deal with yet I just was confused I wanted clarity because I was thinking we were doing the one night stand and then no no no that would have been too easy it was the other one where the person wanted a a
relationship because what is there about us that keeps us from being able to enjoy this person that tells more about us than them
it tells us what needs like what needs of ours are important you see tells us about certain things that we haven’t learned to enjoy in other people why am I having so much trouble enjoying this in the other person empathizing with it things like that I i learn when I see who I don’t enjoy being around
i mean I we have halls of fame for everything in the united states right but why not a giraffe hall of fame for people who have really made a contribution to somebody’s life that you don’t read about in the papers see all we read about in the paper are those people who are killing and greeting and what about the real heroes of the world the giraffes the people who really make a difference in our lives so I told you today about one of my heroes my uncle his smile what his smile did for me I told you about my grandmother what her generosity that people did for me so I want you to induct somebody into the giraffe hall of fame so we will give you a chance to practice how to express gratitude in giraffe by inducting this person into because that’s how you get a person into the giraffe hall of fame you you express your appreciation to them in giraffe now a good person depicted induct into the hall of fame is somebody who made a significant contribution to your life remember I told you earlier today one woman inducted her father who 30 years ago what was it he did he winked at her you see so and it could be somebody no longer alive it could be somebody alive it could be so it’s up to you who you want to induct into the giraffe hall of fame but you need to express the gratitude in giraffe which means no compliments no praise it’s too weak see those things that really make a difference in our life it’s too weak to say you are a very kind person
no no if you really want to make it a powerful expression of gratitude we need to make three things clear in our expression now again I earlier said we can do it in idiomatic giraffe like that student did to me when he said uh dictator but for learning purposes today i’d like you to see if you can express these three things in words you see sure sometimes just saying thank you can maybe communicate these three things but you want to have the ability to do it in classical giraffe just in case for those things that you really want this person to know how deeply what they did meant to you then you’ve got to know how to make these three things clear
first of all the observation what the person did that enriched your life
present feelings right now right now when you’re inducting this person into the giraffe hall of fame when you recall this even if it happened 70 years ago how do you feel right now recalling this action I feel what need of yours was met those are the three things that we need to make clear in expressing a giraffe gratitude and equally important to the clarity with which we say those three things is the intent never give a gratitude or a thank you to reward somebody never give a gratitude or a reward to build up somebody’s confidence those seem like nice things to do but that’s that destroys thank you when people feel it’s a manipulation or a tool to shape something let’s only express gratitude to celebrate you see now the more gratitude is a part of our life this kind of gratitude the more fuel we have to be a giraffe in a jackal-speaking world because that’s where we get the energy by remembering the power that each of us has to enrich life so see notice when we give a gratitude in this way we are remembering the power we have look what we can do
and then we see the glory of it we see oh my god look what this can do look what how this can leave a person feeling look at how this act what need it can mean the more we really have that inside why would we ever play any other game than let’s make life wonderful for one another there’s no game that even comes closer to that yeah we’ve been educated to play the game who’s right we’ve been educated to play the game let’s kick the [ __ ] out of the bad guys
those aren’t fun not really we know that they’re costly even when they’re fun so let’s learn how to celebrate
what the power we have to make life wonderful so that we fill ourselves with the fuel that’s necessary to live this way so whoever wants to start this will be the person and this will also then watch how this other person receives gratitude in a giraffe way that’s equally important as knowing how to express it it’s equally important to know how to receive it so you will induct this person into the giraffe hall of fame and this person will demonstrate how to receive gratitude so who’s ready to induct somebody into the giraffe hall of fame okay I already expressed this to john earlier
john is here so I already expressed this to john earlier but john is here yes john um oh john kenyon uh I just wanted to do it you’re the giraffe you have to come up here and receive your own gratitude
come on up here you got to come up here and you’re being inducted into the giraffe hall of fame yes so where do I you sit here and uh and he’s going to induct you into the giraffe hall of fame
so this morning when I parked my car out in the drive and I was worried about whether I had to have a sticker on it and I was checking with the lady and so forth and I saw lots of other cars without stickers and I was worried about everybody else getting tickets and when I got to the top there was john there there was john no there was there you were there you were standing there uh obviously being there to take care of people and to see that that that that they weren’t going to get tickets and and that was I felt so relieved and so delighted knowing that you were taking this extra care of me and everybody else here with respect to the parking and I knew it was just such a symbol of everything you’ve been doing to make this workshop successful that I just I just felt such gratitude and appreciation and I just wanted to thank you
now i’d like you all to tell me whether he received it in a giraffe way or not because if he did you would have seen in his eyes that he was flying and dancing did anybody get anybody see his eyes was he what he was dancing he was crying and dancing then he received it because to receive appreciation the person saying it needs the same quality of empathy because they’re giving a lot from their heart and if the person really sees it they can’t help but fly and dance so if the other person is playing the jackal game of oh my god you know now do I have to live up to this do I have to every workshop do I have to stand out there
or now what does he want from me you know now do I have to say something nice to him you know you won’t see the person flying and dancing so apparently he was he was receiving that in a giraffe way it was interesting as I was expressing my gratitude to john how scared I felt and vulnerable that’s what I mean uh that which surprised me to to you know which is something I was feeling very positive about but yet and when he did have those that acceptance of that with your dancing and so forth it felt I felt really relieved uh and and I thought wow I’m grateful for you for adding that because I really want us to be conscious of that this requires just as much vulnerability we are revealing our heart whether it’s pain or joy it’s what we’re vulnerable we need the same empathy and how good it feels to have the person be able to hear that
welcome to the giraffe hall of fame now my only worry is you have such a big heart that I’m worried about you being manipulated by hungarian women who manipulate you out of your sweater I also agree I also heard that you got ripped off a while back so are you joyfully ripped off okay I just wanted to be sure that that was coming from joy okay
thank you john
okay who is this other person you want to induct into the giraffe hall of fame a team yes okay they’re right here oh then I don’t have to get the puppets out okay let’s get the team up here who these two this team of two oh yeah this team of two well let’s get let’s get this team of two up here
okay
okay
when I came into your home a year ago and experienced the welcoming the hugs and the kisses that I did
was one thing when I have watched how everyone who comes into your home is received with that openness and warmth just seeing just looking at you I feel such a joy and a peace experiencing the unconditional acceptance and and watching it exist as it’s extended to others um just wanted to know that that’s very wonderful for me
welcome to the giraffe hall of fame
yes
in both of these I’m really seeing the observation and the feelings come through very much but the needs I’m kind of looking for where yeah let’s get the needs a little sharper in uh this last one so uh rick what uh how could we say the need in there the need for acceptance so the need for acceptance and the way they greeted people and I think the need for unconditional love just uh yes that you could be accepted and loved and basically I mean I hadn’t done anything there was no behavior when people walk into their house the first step is you’re home you’re welcome
chocolate chip cookies yes we’ve had several people are requesting the address can we can we can we post the address but we live in we live south of boston
i could have guessed that the way you brought some water over to me it really it touched me deeply
that and I need just to feel cared for
yes please
the person I the person i’d like to induct into the giraffe hall of fame is um is you because um I’ve come to the workshop uh stuttering and trying to feel my way through how to listen uh empathetically to people and also express my own needs and it made me feel a lot of
confidence in the ability to grow and to gain a more understanding of something that seems very foreign to me and it really has met a need of mine to be better able to reach out to other people
with a whole lot of other growth inside me that can come forth so I want to be sure that I’ve understood the needs that were met by our time together
certain kind quality of connection between yourself and others it’s very dear to you and the need that got met was growth in an area that will help you make that connection did I hear that yes that’s true did I miss a part
i guess um the feeling that uh the other person’s needs aren’t the first that uh you have to meet your own needs in order to hear and meet other people’s needs as well so it really met a need of yours to know how to respect your own needs as well as the other person’s needs yes and to not accept other people’s judgments when you do meet your own needs and then how if meeting your needs somehow is painful for the other person how to hear what’s going on in them without taking it that there’s anything wrong with your needs that’s right that’s a big part yeah that feels really good to you to think of being able to enjoy your own needs what’s alive in you and not to give power away to that to anything else just to enjoy the life that’s going on in you yes so that I can learn to dance instead of walk
holly
i would like to induct martine into the giraffe hall of fame
martine this this morning when I left the room in such a motion when I was so touched and
connected to what marshall was working with on the time management story and sitting on the steps crying and you came over and asked if I wanted anybody to be with me and if it was okay to put your arm around me I was really grateful for not only your concern but also for your sticking your neck out to come out and check with me and then um your ability to stay with me and and help me through something that I was just needing a little more processing with that I had gotten such an insight with what marshall had said about finding the dictator inside but just needed that extra place to get through my hopelessness and that I i now feel that sense again of of trying again and and feeling hopeful and it meets my need for finding a way to resolve an issue um that’s I’ve struggled with all my life and I like to know if how you feel about hearing that
got it thank you so this morning when you were touching in on some very deep feelings swelling up and and needed to
to receive some empathy
our contact and our connection helped you to to move to a new place and to get to a place where you felt uh more hope and and that’s uh that’s feeling really good to you right now yes that’s right
i feel really excited hearing that and just so happy and uh grateful that you’re giving me this this blessing um i’d like to ask you one more thing because I realized afterwards that I was feeling a little bit vulnerable
when we ended and I heard a jackal say that I had stretched your willingness to offer me empathy just one notch and that I always do that because I’m so greedy and I wanted to check with you about whether um you were whether you took care of yourself in that time you’re feeling worried yeah and you’d like to be sure that I was checking on my own needs yes also and yes I was and my need to be able to connect and to serve was very much being met and I really appreciated the chance to do that great thank you
pass it back please
i’d like to induct deva and tara into the giraffe hall of fame
well let’s have them come up here so we can see their eyes
thanks most recently last night they drove down to san jose when you drove down to san jose from the workshop and you were very tired having just gotten back into the country the night before and you still welcomed me and processed with me all the wonderful things that had happened yesterday so i’d be able to really get the most out of today and then in the morning when you were both so present in the car with what was actually going on inside you and unwilling to compromise a bit or to speak in any other language than giraffe to each other as you work that out
just the latest example of your giraffeness welcome
i have a need for unconditional acceptance that these two meet and have met daily for 10 years
and it it empowers me
to fight the jackal in me that says I’m not good enough
hey wait wait a minute wait a minute now we want to also learn about you did it beautifully how you received it but it’s obvious that it’s not easy so what goes on in you giraffe it makes it what’s going on in you both right now
go ahead
well I feel embarrassed there’s some embarrassment what’s behind the embarrassment so the feeling is embarrassment because why what what’s the thinking that goes on um well first of all it’s hard to be up here
you know it’s hard because why though that’s what I’m trying I’m being seen I think it’s what it is so to have people see your beauty is scary yeah yeah to trust that they see my beauty
it’s scary to see this yeah another giraffe
i’m being taped
and so I’m embarrassed about that and for
two days now I’ve been sitting back there thinking okay i’d like to get up there but I’m way embarrassed about that so
thank you
please
scott i’d like to induct you into the giraffe hall of fame let’s have him come up here yeah let’s see him why should we make those other women suffering not him
since I met you at this training four months ago five months ago I i have
i have had joyous challenging phone calls and you have
boy this is scary
um you have my feelings for you have been
have been on this wonderful roller coaster because our conversations uh delve into very deep intimate levels of friendship and that is very frightening for me to trust and to go into those those places where I have great fear
you have met my needs my needs have been met through our ability to hang on the phone for two hours as we work through understanding and meeting each other on this amazing level of intimacy
and I have the greatest respect for all the work that you do through which I have done um with you helping me uh let my little giraffe ears grow a little bit working with me so patiently
as I uh try to fumble my way through my lack of feeling words and my or my small vocabulary and and being there with such compassion and understanding I thank you very much
when I hear that when I hear that I feel a little embarrassment because being up here and hearing those words and also a lot of uncomfortableness because I’m not used to being in the situation receiving gratitude in front of a lot of people or receiving gratitude much at all
but it feels very good and it feels like I feel very appreciative of the chance that I’ve had to
support you and receive support from you during a very challenging period of my life the last four months and met my need for companionship and for challenge and for discovering different levels and ways of friendship
and my request is that we provide each other the opportunity to continue it
mine too
i don’t have any trouble understanding how it would be not easy to take that all in because
for me one of the hardest parts of this whole process is to receive gratitude in what I would consider a giraffe way and for me the the mechanics of hearing the feelings and needs is a part of it the empathy but there’s another part of it that I think is also important but this is the part that gets confusing for me to hear and take in an appreciation like that I think would take me a lifetime
but she said it’s meant
i’d need a lifetime to to relish that to celebrate it to to think that the calls what I did on the phone that it could have meaning in another person’s life of that kind so uh what I’m learning to do is very important I have each day I take some time to create a gratitude journal
and in the gratitude journal I first give myself express gratitude to myself in classic giraffe I identify something I’ve done that day or maybe some other time but usually the day before I try to think of at least one thing that I did that I want to celebrate
and then I write down beneath that how I feel right now thinking about it and third what need of mine was met
but now comes the part I’m getting to the next I not just want to see that I want to celebrate I really want to celebrate that that I have that power that I can do that create that and I draw a little flower by what I do to start the celebration just to remind me don’t just hear it but celebrate it
one one gift I received it’s helped me to learn how to do this better from my friend nafeza saleh he’s a palestinian and when I brought eight palestinians and eight israelis to switzerland 1990 trained them how to work together and use giraffe in the middle east at the end he gave me a precious appreciation but he wanted to do it in his style not classical giraffe he’s a sufi muslim so he said could we do it in my way I i said sure enough this so he wanted to relock thumbs and then he looked me in the eye and he said I kissed the god in you that gave you the power to give us what you did and then he
well that helped me receive appreciation because until then I i got caught between these two poles of false humility eyes nothing
gold in my ear helped me get rid of that one when she once said to one of her when she was the israeli prime minister she said to one of her politicians don’t be so humble you’re not that great so I i knew I knew that wasn’t the one I wanted to do but at the other end it didn’t you know the idea of thinking I am great that doesn’t ring but not this help me no it’s neither of those polls but I was given something I could give
i want to celebrate whatever I was given that I can give that feels right and it so that’s what I like to celebrate I really like to celebrate what I was given that enables me to do this
so next I like to also think of things that other people have done the day before and celebrate it the same way to write what did they do the thing we’re practicing now and how do I feel about it right now what need of mine was met and then I want to celebrate the power that that person has
for them with them now the advantage of that part of the activity is about half the time I didn’t say the thing to the person
and then this helps me also learn how often I feel things very deeply and that doesn’t get expressed
so I that that’s good for that I want to learn about that because I don’t want to keep these things inside and then of course that doesn’t cause nothing keeps me now from expressing it to them either if I’m seeing them that day or to call them up whatever but yes one celebrate one one appreciation like that gives us I think if we really take it in and celebrate it enough energy to stage your effort
you want to have them stay there okay make that rascal squirm yes
before holly picked you I had also picked you to induct you into the hall of fame when you invited me to join your group yesterday and sit with you at lunch and then shared with me about the death of your father I felt blown away to find someone that had experienced so closely what I had experienced and it met a need for me that I i really never expected to get fulfilled that someone would really understand what that all was for me thank you very much
while I was sitting up here I was going to ask to induct you into the
this is called tip for test
so I’m going to do that
when I heard you say you share openly about the death of your husband just just a few months ago beginning of the day yesterday it allowed me to
feel more present here and feel more connected to the entire group because I lost my father a couple of weeks ago and I was a little reluctant in in coming knowing that I was going to stir up more stuff and it’s already pretty stirred and when you shared how you were able to um work with him over the last few months of his life it brought me back to the time when I i spent with him the last couple weeks when I was on east coast and how I was able to use marshall’s model in helping him transform his whole life in two weeks because he learned how to listen with draft ears so it it was it was a it was wonderful and it it met many many needs for me and to feel connected and to meet new people who are kindred spirits and to share what I’ve what I’ve learned
and I my request is that you continue to be as as as open and as adventurous
and as giving as you’ve been towards me
way to go I will do my best you scott
don’t go away
uh
what a joy that is that you took something from me and gave it to your father
i was meaning to I was looking for some time to share that with you and
i figured the time would come
and it was especially powerful because at the same time as he was going through the dying process a lot of his old students came back to view to see him at the end and they were they were transformed by his change
and seeing a jackal become a become a giraffe
i got enough to digest for the rest of this
thank one
please
um
i don’t know how to do this quite deeply enough I have had a life that’s been full of a lot of pain and one of the things that has made it bearable is having you in it
the quality of your understanding your ability to see my beauty when so many other people don’t
and your support and faith in my ability to find ways of having it shine so people can see it through the differences
has been really instrumental in sustaining me and I wanted to give you that recognition
my need for loving that daily by having you in my life as well as for being loved
marshall i’d like to induct you in the giraffe hall of fame as well and um I’m hopeful that I can say this from the deepest part of me
of all the people I think you recognize have recognized along the years some of the pain that I’ve had around being on time and
and I’ve often took nerd have taken nurturing from one of your comments years ago about holly has a different relationship with time
and I’ve realized today that the work that you were doing with what is your name patrick I don’t know I was just sitting there I was just totally totally connected to what you were doing and when you said what need I kept going I don’t know the need I don’t know the need what is the need and then all of a sudden I thought autonomy and everybody in the room said autonomy and and then when you stopped I wasn’t satisfied I got it that you said the dictator
it gave me a little handle marshall it was like okay so I need autonomy but what how do I get autonomy how do I do this differently than all the pain and all the relationships and all the disappointment and etc that has happened in my life around this and um and I realized that I had a despair that I had a sense of hopelessness that and and I like when I when I met my last this relationship I’m in I just said give it up if you ever think that I’m going to do that I’m going to do what I say I’m going to do you know I i can’t I can’t if you need somebody that can do what she says she’s going to do say goodbye to me now and um and so this hopelessness today marshall today I have a peace I have a peace that I can hold on to I can reach inside I got that jackal by the neck okay
and that that jackal to me is the dictator and with martine and being heard about the hopelessness I got that I can do something about that now because I’m not hopeless anymore and it was what I want you to know with all my words is that your words today helped me get in there and grab that jackal by the neck and now with nvc skills I’m confident that I can get empathy for that jackal if I never let go of it first now that you see that rascal got a hold of him you’re confident now you can start to work out of it you can give empathy yeah yeah I like to know how you feel here and then well I’m delighted
that you didn’t want to kill that poor jackpot you just want to hold him long enough to give him some empathy
so I want you to know that I feel very excited and hopeful that a need of mind to join the world in a way that I can offer people uh dependability and it will meet my need to contribute my deep need to contribute when I can offer with confidence my dependability all along you’ve had that need you want to be able to offer people that dependability and now you’re confident that hearing this other part of yourself better now that you’ve got a clear view of it you have some hope that you’ll be able to get all those needs man yeah I do thank you you’re very welcome
please
i would like to invite my family up here the ones who came with me my brother jim my brother-in-law steve my sister joanne and my husband rampuccin
this has been so important to me to come to this event with you it meets the I just feel
um I feel loved I feel cared for I feel that I have the kind of family I need and want because you have filled this need by being present with me here and by being present and building a way of being present together outside of this room
so i
i feel I have the chance to influence
the people in me the jackal voices in me who keep me from connecting with the most difficult members of our family I feel the strength of having you guys standing beside me behind me beauty all around me thank you
and now to close with a few stories about my granddaughter
oh hey son there you are I’ve been waiting for your glow and now sit and soak you in feel the pain in me go let’s dance with the bees while they pollinate let’s dance with those jackals dance away the hate oh hey son there you are I’ve been waiting for your glow and now i’ll sit and soak you in feel the pain in ego today’s a day to celebrate the life we can create and move ahead with hearts of joy to heal and liberate
oh hey son there you are I’ve been waiting for your glow and now i’ll sit and soak you in feel the pain in me go
i have a request
um I was really hoping to hear the song that you sing and see me beautiful yes yes
see me beautiful look for the best in me that’s what I really am and all I wanna be
it may take some time it may be hard to find see me beautiful
see me beautiful
each and every day
could you take a chance could you find a way to see me shining through in everything I do and see me beautiful now we’re getting it let’s do it again see me beautiful each and every day could you take a chance could you find a way to see me shining through in everything I do
and see me beautiful
see me beautiful
each and every day
could you take a chance could you find a way to see me shining through in everything I do and see me beautiful
you