Marshall Rosenberg — 1972
Preface
Buddhists are fond of the parable of the raft. A raft, sufficient to the need, is constructed at the bank of a river. It is used for the crossing, but then it is left behind. He is a fool who continues his journey to the mountain top with the raft well fastened to his back.
I offer this manual as a raft to aid you in overcoming a sea of words and communication habits that might keep you from enjoying the humanity in yourself and others. I would not want anyone to confuse this raft itself with the joys of meeting. To whatever joy with others it leads you, I rejoice. If it becomes a burden I hope you discard it.
Contents
- Introduction (Page 2)
SECTION 1
- Ways of Thinking and Communicating that Increase Autonomy (Page 3)
“All real living is in the meeting.” — Martin Buber
“I’ve come to a different philosophy of life. I now believe that in the book of life, the answers aren’t in the back!” — Charlie Brown - Ability to “own” messages (Page 4)
“But the more awareness one has–that is, the more he experiences himself as the acting, directing agent in what he is doing–the more alive he will be and the more responsive to the present moment.” — Rollo May - Ability to make observations without making inferences (Page 5)
“If the doors of perception were cleansed, man would see things as they are, infinite.” — William Blake - Ability to recognize and verbally report feelings (Page 6)
“He gives of himself, of the most precious thing he has, he gives of his life… he gives of his joy, of his interest…of his sadness…” — Eric Fromm
“…instead of one’s feelings being limited like notes in a bugle call, the mature person becomes able to differentiate feelings into as many nuances… as in the different passages of music in a symphony.” — Rollo May - Ability to identify the reasons for feelings in terms of “because wants” (Page 10)
“The more faithfully you listen to the voice within you, the better you will hear what is sounding outside.” — Dag Hammarskjold - Ability to express wants in action terms (Page 12)
“…he who no longer, with his whole being, decides what he does or does not,…becomes sterile in soul.” — Martin Buber
“The soul of the murderer is blind; and there can be no true goodness nor true love without the utmost clear-sightedness.” — Albert Camus - Ability to “ground” thoughts and anecdotes in present feelings and wants (Page 15)
“The overtones are lost, and what is left are conversations which, in their poverty, cannot hide the lack of real contact. We glide past each other.” — Dag Hammarskjold
SECTION 2
- Ways of Thinking and Communicating that Increase Awareness of Interdependence (Page 17) “One of the best proofs that reality hinges on moral foundations is the fact that when men and governments work devotedly for the good of others, they achieve their own enrichment in the process.” — Martin Luther King
- Ability to receive wants as wants and not as demands, obligations, or duties (Page 18)
“If you begin by sacrificing yourself to those you love, you will end by hating those to whom you have sacrificed yourself.” — George Bernard Shaw
“I beg you to notice that I do not demand… It is not that you are to answer but that you are able.” — Martin Buber - Ability to receive feelings and wants as feelings and wants and not as personal praise or criticism (Page 19)
“The narcissistic orientation is one in which one experiences as real only that which exists within oneself…” — Eric Fromm - Ability to receive feelings and wants without evaluating the accuracy, morality, or competence of the speaker (Page 20)
“I want you to feel like loving your opponent, and the way to do it is to give them the same credit for honesty of purpose which you would claim for yourself.” — Gandhi - Ability to ask oneself whether the speaker’s message was received to the satisfaction of the speaker and to paraphrase if doubt exists (Page 21)
“I must try to see a difference between my picture of a person and his behavior…and the person’s reality as it exists regardless of my interests, needs, and fears.” — Eric Fromm - Ability to translate any messages into the possible feelings and wants of the speaker (Page 23)
“Sticks and stones can break my bones but names can never hurt me.” — Unknown
- Progress Evaluation (Page 28)
SECTION 3
- Conflict Resolution through Generating Want-oriented Alternatives (Page 34)
“Democracy and violence can ill go together.” — Gandhi - Ability to generate alternatives in time, person, place and action dimensions (Page 36)
“A true alliance is based upon some self-interest of each component group and a common interest into which they merge.” — Martin Luther King - Ability to differentiate protective and educational force from punitive force (Page 37)
“We must therefore eliminate compulsion in any shape from our struggle.” — Gandhi
Answers to Exercises (Page 40)
References (Page 47)
Introduction
I like what happens when people show a heightened sense of responsibility for themselves, their society, and their world. Conversely, I fear what happens when people “existentially cop-out” (to use Snell Putney’s terms), i.e. fail to recognize and act upon their responsibility for themselves, their society, and their world.
My purpose in writing this manual is to demonstrate a way of thinking and communicating that I believe enhances one’s sense of responsibility. To me an action is responsible (1) to the degree to which the actor is consciously aware that he/she has actively chosen the particular action, (2) to the degree to which the actor is consciously aware of the ends he/she desires to reach through the action, and (3) to the degree to which the actor is consciously aware that his/ her welfare and the welfare of others are interdependent. Throughout this manual I will be referring to the first two aspects of responsibility (awareness of choice and awareness of desired ends) as autonomy and the third aspect (awareness of interdependence of welfare) as interdependence.
As you can see by my definition of responsibility, it is highly dependent upon conscious awareness: of choice, ends, and interdependence of ends. I believe that the language many people are taught interferes with their ability to act responsibly because it blocks conscious awareness. In this manual I will be offering a means of thinking and verbally communicating that I believe increases conscious awareness and hence facilitates responsible living.
You may wonder as you proceed through this manual why I delve so minutely into specific words and phrases. I would like to make it clear that I get as bored as the next person with “semantic games”. I do not want to play with words just to play with words or to show how intellectually clever I can be. However, I do believe that the type of language a person uses affects how that person thinks, the kinds of emotions he/she experiences, and the ways he/she chooses to act toward others. I will only discuss aspects of language that I see significantly influencing thinking, feeling, and behavior.
Though the focus in this manual will be on verbal language, I do not mean to imply that nonverbal aspects of communication such as posture, tone of voice, inflection and facial expression are not important.
I find the way I have defined responsibility in contrast to two prevalent concepts of responsibility. The first I call the “Divine Rights” concept. According to this concept of responsibility, an action is responsible to the degree to which it conforms with rules dictated by some external authority. The second I call the “Happy Face” concept of responsibility. According to this concept an action is responsible to the degree to which others approve of the action. I have many concerns about what I see happening when people define responsibility in these two ways. Briefly, I see the “Divine Rights” concept leading to an “Eichmann effect”, i.e. people rotely carrying out dictates of superiors without question. The nightmarish situations this has created in recent and past history are by now well-known and do not require my elaboration. I see the “Happy Face” concept leading to a scrupulous conformity to group norms and expectations to the degree that a person’s self is lost. I believe severe depression is an inevitable consequence of this definition of responsibility. I hope that for those of you defining responsibility according to these concepts I can offer an alternative that appeals to you. For those of you who already define responsibility as autonomy and interdependence I hope I can provide some suggestions for implementing this philosophy in your daily functioning.
I have organized this manual in the following manner: In the first section I will discuss how to think and express oneself in terms of “owned” messages, observations, feelings, and wants. In the second section I will discuss how to receive messages in terms of feelings and wants. In the third section I will discuss mutual problem-solving. Throughout the text are exercises designed to help you determine whether you understand the ideas presented and know how to use them.
SECTION I
Ways of Thinking and Communicating that Increase Autonomy
I believe that each moment a crucial choice exists for each individual–the choice of how to think. I further believe that this choice affects the degree of autonomy that a person experiences. In this section I would like to describe ways of thinking and verbally communicating that I believe increase autonomy and then describe ways of thinking and verbally communicating that I believe decrease autonomy.
Ways of thinking that increase autonomy
1. ability to “own” messages.
2. ability to make observations without making inferences.
3. ability to recognize and verbally report feelings.
4. ability to identify the reasons for feelings in terms of “because wants”.
5. ability to express wants in action terms.
6. ability to “ground” thoughts and anecdotes in present feelings and wants.
Ability to “own” messages
The first skill I see related to the development of autonomy is the ability to “own” messages. The ability to “own” a message requires that I clearly signify that I am the one possessing the feelings, wants and thoughts that follow. For example, I get upset rather than YOU upset me. I believe in “owning” messages rather than YOU should “own” messages. I would like you to get me a drink of water rather than would YOU like to get me a drink of water.
I was reminded of my English teacher’s position on the pronoun “I” recently when I read the following poem:
Teacher, give me back my “I”–!
You promised, teacher,
You promised if I was good you’d give it back.
You have so many “I’s” in the top drawer of your desk
You wouldn’t miss mine.
Albert Cullum, “The geranium on the window sill just died but teacher you went right on.”
When I was in school I can remember my teacher telling me that to use the personal pronoun “I” “too often” in a letter was “inappropriate” because it made a person look “egotistical”. The price of this safety is, however, costly. I find that the more people use impersonal forms of communication the more alienated from themselves they become and the less alive they feel.
To determine whether we are communicating about the subject of “owning” messages I would like you to do Exercise 1.
EXERCISE 1
I would like you to circle the number of the statements in which the speaker “owns” the message.
1. That makes me angry.
2. It is important that we meet tomorrow.
3. I believe it is going to rain tomorrow.
4. I’m excited about my trip.
5. It seems to me that you have been distant lately.
6. I would appreciate it if you would go to the store for me.
7. You are a nice person.
8. You hurt me when you say things like that.
9. One often forgets what one wants to forget.
10. What’s the matter with me?
(Answers on page 40)
I now find that my English teacher was not alone in her belief; I find many persons with similar reluctance to using “I”. In introducing the concept of “owning” messages I find that many of them worry that using “I” will give them the image of being self-centered. Thus they habitually use impersonal pronouns such as “it”, “one”, “people”, “that”, which provide safety from being judged self-centered.
Ability to make observations without making inferences
A second skill I see related to autonomy is the ability to make observations without confusing them with inferences. By an observation I mean a description of what someone says or does. By an inference I mean our ideas, opinions, beliefs, or interpretations of what people say or do. Following are various examples of what I mean by observations and inferences:
| Observations | Inferences |
| John sometimes hits others when he is losing at a game. | I believe John is a poor sport. |
| You ate the last apple. | Since I did not get any apples I believe the fair thing for you to do would have been to ask me whether I wanted the apple before you ate it. |
| I seldom talk to people at parties. | I think people may not like me. |
| You did not ask for my evaluation of your report. | I think you could do a better job if you got my input. |
| Mary says she is afraid to make decisions. | I believe Mary would be happier if she weren’t so concerned about how others feel about what she does. |
One of the types of thinking that I see interfering most seriously with the development of autonomy is what I call an inference-observation confusion. This is a combination of two things I have outlined so far. First, in an inference-observation confusion the message is not “owned” (see page 4). Second, the speaker makes an inference rather than an observation. The following statements would be examples of inference-observation confusion:
John is a poor sport.
You are a selfish individual.
I am shy.
That was a stupid thing to do.
Notice how often the verb “to be” is involved in inference-observation confusions.
Exercise 2 provides opportunity for you to differentiate between inferences and observations:
EXERCISE 2
I would like you to circle the number of the statements in which observations are made.
1. John is shoveling the snow.
2. Mary tries to dominate others.
3. I believe that a participative democracy is a good form of government.
4. Nancy bites her nails while watching television.
5. John can’t sit still.
6. Janet starts talking before I finish.
7. Sam talks too much.
8. I saw you take in the mail.
9. Henry is the first in line three out of four times.
10. Pam acts like she is above everyone.
(Answers on page 40)
Ability to recognize and verbally report feelings
A third skill I see related to the development of autonomy is the ability to recognize and verbally report feelings. Feelings describe the emotions that a person experiences at a given moment. I arbitrarily differentiate feelings into the following categories:
Physical feelings: These are feelings that describe what a person is physically experiencing at a given moment. Examples are “hungry”, “cold”, “tired”, etc.
“Head feelings”: These are feelings that describe what a person experiences when he is involved in cognitive activities. Examples of such feelings are “interested”, “confused”, “curious”, etc.
“Want-associated feelings”: These are feelings that describe what a person experiences when his wants are fulfilled or not fulfilled. Thus, if his wants are fulfilled, he may feel “happy”, “affectionate”, “joyful”, etc. If his wants are not fulfilled he may feel “sad”, “frustrated”, “disappointed”, etc.
“Attack feelings”: These are feelings that describe what a person experiences when he thinks in a categorical manner (should-shouldn’t, right-wrong, etc.) Examples of such feelings are “angry”, “furious”, “enraged”, etc.
There are some words that might be described as “general feelings” that I like to avoid because they do not communicate clearly what I am feeling. I am referring to such words as “good”, “bad”, as in the phrases, “I feel good about that”, or “I feel bad about that.”
There are other words that sound like feelings but on closer screening they can be seen to be an interpretation of another’s actions rather than a description of feelings. Common examples of such “non-feelings” are “I feel rejected”, “I feel misunderstood”, “I feel judged”, “I feel put down”, and “I feel threatened.”
To clarify why such words do not express feelings I would like to take a further look at the statement, “I feel rejected.” If you interpret another person as rejecting you, you could have many different feelings. For instance, one young man rejected by the Army may feel elated because he did not want to enter the service while another might be disappointed because he did want to enter.
The list of “feeling words” which follows was prepared by asking participants in a workshop to list feeling words they knew and then pooling their lists. I am enclosing it in the manual in the hope that it will be of value to you, too, in enriching your feeling word vocabulary.
FEELING WORDS
| “Positive” | “Negative” | |||
| absorbed | good-humored | afraid | embittered | pessimism/tic |
| adventurous | grateful | aggravated | exasperated | provoked |
| affection | gratification | agitation | exhausted | puzzled |
| alert | groovy | alarm | fatigued | rancorous |
| alive | happy | aloof | fear/ful | reluctant/ance |
| amazed | helpful | angry | fidgety | repelled |
| amused | hopeful | anguish | forlorn | resentful |
| animated | inquisitive | animosity | frightened | restless |
| appreciation | inspired | annoyance | frustrated | sad |
| aroused | intense | anxious | furious | scared |
| astonished | interested | apathetic | gloomy | sensitive |
| blissful | intrigued | apprehensive | grief | shaky |
| breathless | invigorated | aroused | guilty | shocked |
| buoyant | involved | aversion | hate | skeptical |
| calm | joy/ful/ous | bad | heavy | sleepy |
| carefree | jubilant | beat | helpless | sorrowful |
| cheerful | keyed-up | bitter | hesitant | sorry |
| comfortable | love/ing | blah | horrified | sour |
| complacent | mellow | blue | horrible | spiritless |
| composed | merry | bored | hostile | startled |
| concerned | mirthful | breathless | hot | surprised |
| confident | moved | brokenhearted | humdrum | suspicion |
| contented | optimism | chagrined | hurt | tepid |
| cool | overwhelmed | cold | impatient | terrified |
| curious | overjoyed | concerned | indifferent | thwarted |
| dazzled | peaceful | confused | inert | tired |
| delighted | pleasant/ure | cool | infuriated | troubled |
| eager | proud | cross | inquisitive | uncomfortable |
| ecstatic | quiet | credulous | insecure | unconcerned |
| effervescent | radiant | dejected | insensitive | uneasy |
| elated | rapturous | depressed | intense | unglued |
| electrified | refreshed | despair | irate | unhappy |
| encouraged | relief/ved | despondent | irked | unnerved |
| engrossed | satisfied/faction | detached | irritated | unsteady |
| enjoyment | secure | disappointed | jealous | upset |
| enlivened | sensitive | discouraged | jittery | uptight |
| enthusiastic | spellbound | disgruntled | keyed-up | vexed/ation |
| exalted | splendid | disgusted | lassitude | weary |
| excited | stimulated | disheartened | lazy | withdrawn |
| exhilarated | surprised | disinterested | let-down | woeful |
| expansive | tender/ness | dislike | lethargy | worried |
| expectant | thankful | dismayed | listless | wretched |
| exuberant | thrilled | displeased | lonely | |
| fascinated | touched | disquieted | mad | |
| free | tranquil | dissatisfied | mean | |
| friendly | trust | distressed | melancholy | |
| fulfilled | warm | disturbed | miserable | |
| gay | wide-awake | downcast | mopy | |
| glad | wonder/ful | downhearted | nervous | |
| gleeful | zest/ful | dread | nettled | |
| glorious | dull | overwhelmed | ||
| glowing | edgy | passive | ||
| embarrassed | perplexed | |||
I would like to emphasize that I am not advocating that a person be aware of or express feelings each time they communicate. I am advocating that you be able to get in touch with your feelings and express them when you want to. I would now like to describe the wants I have that affect my decision to express or not to express my feelings.
If I believe that expressing my feelings facilitates understanding I will usually choose to express my feelings. For example, I am aware of how confused or anxious I sometimes feel when someone says something like, “I want you to explain that further” and I don’t know whether they are feeling angry because they didn’t like what they thought I meant, excited because they see some new possibilities and want additional information, confused because they didn’t understand and want clarification, etc. Therefore I like to express my feelings verbally in situations like these where the expression of the emotions significantly changes the meaning of the message.
On the other hand, if I sense that my feelings do not significantly influence the information I want to communicate, I will not express them. Thus, if someone wants some specific information such as to know the time, I will usually convey the information they requested without reference to my feelings.
EXERCISE 3
I would like you to circle the number of the statements in which feelings are verbally reported.
1. I feel you don’t understand me.
2. I’m sad.
3. I feel rejected.
4. I feel excited.
5. I’m interested in what you’re saying.
6. I feel that I should know better.
7. I feel like a cad.
8. I feel judged.
9. I’m terrified of snakes.
10. I feel joyful.
(Answers on page 40)
Ability to identify the reasons for feelings in terms of “because wants”
A fourth skill I see related to the development of autonomy is the ability to identify reasons for feelings in terms of “because wants”. I differentiate two reasons why people feel as they do. I call these two different reasons “because wants” and “alienated wants”.
“Because wants” are clearly identified wants whose fulfillment or lack of fulfillment lead to one’s present feelings. Thus, if I asked you to go with me to the movie and you just informed me that you had other plans, I might presently feel disappointed because I wanted you to go with me. If you gave me a particular book I might feel excited because I had wanted the book for some time.
“Alienated wants” are expressed through thoughts that only indirectly refer to the wants of the speaker. I might feel angry because I thought of you as selfish. In such a case I would not be focusing directly on what I wanted but expressing it indirectly through labeling you.
I would like you to be aware of some implications of what I have just said. If, as I suggest, peoples’ feelings result from either “because wants” or “alienated wants”, then the types of feelings people experience will depend on whether their wants are clearly identified or expressed in an alienated manner. I find, for example, that I experience different kinds of emotions when I clearly decide what I want and it is fulfilled or not fulfilled than when I am alienated from my wants and label another person’s actions. For example, I might be disappointed because I wanted you to go to the show and you wanted to stay home, but I might be angry with you because I labeled you as selfish for not going with me.
There are certain ways of thinking that I find lead me to experience the type of anger that is diminished only by my blaming or attacking somebody. I thus consider these ways of thinking as socially dangerous. I am talking about ways of thinking that either deny choice, such as “have to” (as in the phrase, “There are some things you have to do whether you like them or not”), “can’t” (as in the phrase, “You can’t do that to me”), “should”, “ought”, “must”, (as in the phrase, “You shouldn’t–oughtn’t–mustn’t–do that”), and words that label people or their actions negatively, such as “selfish”, “wrong”, “bad”, “immoral”, “stupid”, etc. I find that the more others and I think in these terms the more we are likely to end acting punitively toward others. For these reasons, any time I find myself feeling the kind of anger that leaves me wanting to blame or punish I try to identify the “alienated want” leading to this anger and to translate it into my “because wants”. When I do this I experience other feelings than anger; feelings that serve the purpose of helping me get what I want. Another basic assumption I make is that when people decide what they want after they have cleared their heads of the type of thinking mentioned, they will not choose to blame or punish others. A corollary of this is that, to the degree to which we teach people to decide what they want in action terms and to avoid categorizing the actions of others, we are educating people to relate to one another in a problem-solving rather than a punitive manner.
I want to emphasize that I am not saying that anger is dangerous. What I am saying is that the type of thinking that leads to anger is dangerous. Hence I do not want people to repress their anger when they experience it but rather to use the anger to identify destructive thought patterns and then to translate these thought patterns into wants.
This skill involves the awareness that actions do not lead directly to feelings; rather, how one chooses to react to actions leads to feelings. For example, if someone says to me, “This manual is poorly written,” how I feel will depend on how I choose to react. If I choose to react by labeling myself (for example, “I must be a poor writer if you say this is poorly written”), I might feel depressed. If I choose to label you (for example, “You are overly critical”), I might feel angry.
The following forms of communication mask the choice one makes in reacting and hence imply that others are responsible for one’s own feelings rather than (as I believe) that one is responsible for one’s choice of reactions and this choice of reaction is what is responsible for one’s feelings:
You make me feel ( ) when you ( ).
It makes me feel ( ) when you ( ).
That makes me feel ( ) when you ( ).
When you do that I feel ( ).
Notice that in these statements the speaker implies that the other person “makes them” feel a certain way. This hides the choice the speaker made that led to the feelings in question. Thus the speaker hides his/her own responsibility by such statements. For this reason I like people to identify the “because wants” that lead to one’s feelings and to avoid blaming one’s feelings on the actions of others.
EXERCISE 4
I would like you to circle the number of the statements where the reasons for feelings are identified in terms of “because wants.”
1. I am angry because you are wasting money.
2. I feel excited when you send me presents.
3. I am depressed because I wanted Jim to be here for the holiday and he just called and said he was unable to come.
4. I am disappointed in myself because I wanted to complete the report on time and I didn’t.
5. I feel happy because you are such a thoughtful person.
6. I am discouraged because of the present state of affairs in the world.
7. I am confused because I wanted more information than was provided.
8. I am disgusted with you for smoking too much.
9. I am interested in your report because it presents several pieces of information I desired.
10. I feel tense because I want to know definitely how I did on the test but the teacher hasn’t finished scoring it.
(Answers on page 41)
Action wants
A fifth skill I see related to the development of autonomy is the ability to decide wants in action terms.
In the previous section I outlined one of the reasons I like to be able to decide what I want rather than think in terms of labeling myself or others, namely that I believe people are less likely to attack others when they decide what they want rather than think how to label others. This alone, I believe, is sufficient reason for people to learn to decide what they want. However, there are other reasons why I like having the ability to decide what I want in addition to the ability to categorize. One reason is that I feel more alive when I am actively deciding what I want to have happen. When I spend my time thinking about what’s “appropriate” or “inappropriate” or “normal” or “abnormal” I do not feel the same excitement or involvement in living as I do when I actively decide what I want. It has taken me many years to appreciate the difference between “knowing what I want” (which I now see as another form of “existential copping-out”) and deciding what I want. When I try to “know” what I want I find myself looking to others to tell me “what’s right” or “what I should do.” When I decide what I want, the responsibility for creating my life is within me.
In learning to decide what I want I find four differentiations helpful. The first differentiation I like to keep clear for myself is the difference between action wants and “fuzzy” wants. Action wants refer to a specific action I want myself or someone else to do. “Fuzzy” wants are statements whose reference to specific actions is vague. Examples of what I consider action wants and “fuzzy” wants follow:
Action wants:
I want to pick up three books from the library this afternoon.
I want you to get me a drink of water now.
I want you to call the dentist this morning and make an appointment.
Fuzzy wants:
I want you to show appreciation for my efforts.
I want to love my fellow man.
I want you to be less demanding.
I find that when I express my wants in “fuzzy” terms I not only am less likely to get what I do want but the chances are greatly increased that I will get what I do not want (namely, misinterpretation).
A second differentiation I find helpful is the difference between general wants and present wants. For example, someone says, “I want to spend more time with you.” I may understand generally what they want but I do not know specifically what they want from me at the moment they make the statement. Notice that such a statement could mean, “I want you to tell me whether you also want to spend time together” or “I want you to set up a time now for us to get together again” or “I want you to see how unhappy I am that we haven’t spent more time together”, etc. If I am speaking with others, therefore, I like to use the form , I want you to rather than , I want to because I find that this helps me to stay in the present and not be general. If I am thinking to myself I like to use the form I now want to rather than I want to because I also find this helps me to stay in the present.
A third differentiation I find helpful is the difference between wants for feelings and wants for actions. I find the former lead to confusion. For example, if I say to myself, “I want to feel confident in group situations”, I do not usually see this leading to constructive action on my part because I am not stating what I want to do, I’m only stating how I want to feel. Likewise, if I say to others, “I want you to feel free to express yourself to me”, I am not making clear what I want them to do.
The fourth differentiation I like to make in expressing wants is between wants and “not wants.” When I express a want I am stating what I want to happen. When I express a “not want” I am stating what is presently happening that I want to stop happening. I find that it takes far more creativity for me to state what I do want than it takes for me to state what I do not want. For example, if I see two children fighting, I find it easier to tell them what I want them to stop doing (fighting) than it is for me to specify what I would rather they do when they are upset with one another. As a result, I find that when I state what I don’t want the other person is often perplexed (as for example if I tell someone on the way to get me some coffee, “I don’t want it black.”)
I like to tell the following anecdote to demonstrate the relative lack of value in “not want” thinking. I was once on a television talk show debating a particular issue with an editor of a local newspaper. The program was taped and shown later so I was able to go home and watch myself. I found the experience very painful. There I was, showing all kinds of communication habits that I dislike. When I was asked to return to the show for a repeat performance two weeks later I kept repeating to myself on the way to the studio what I didn’t want to do that I had done on the previous show. Once the show started I didn’t do what I previously did because I sat there doing nothing. I had gotten clear what I did not want to do, but I hadn’t clarified what I did want to do. After several seconds of sitting transfixed, I fell back into my old patterns that I didn’t want to do. I realized then that being clear what you don’t want takes far less clarity than deciding what you do want.
EXERCISE 5
I would like you to circle the numbers of the statements expressing action wants.
1. I want you to take out the garbage before you watch the football game.
2. I want you to understand me.
3. (Said to other person) I would like a drink of water.
4. I now want to write out a schedule for next week.
5. I want you to feel happier.
6. I want you to tell me where you were last night.
7. (Said to self) I want to organize my schedule.
8. I now want to stop thinking about my mistakes.
9. I now want to feel more confidence in myself.
10. I want you to treat me like an equal.
11. (Said to other person) I want to hear your side of the story.
12. I want you to stop spending so much time at work.
13. I don’t want you walking on the lawn.
14. I now want to show respect for all people.
15. I want you to enjoy yourself.
(Answers on page 41)
Ability to “ground” thoughts and anecdotes in present feelings and wants
In this section I would like to clarify the place I see for forms of thinking and communication other than feelings, wants, and observations. I am referring specifically to thoughts and anecdotes. My position is as follows: I enjoy the transmission of thoughts and anecdotes provided they are “grounded” in the present feelings and wants of the participants in the communication. For example, if a person says to me, “I am feeling bothered by the president’s speech last night and I would like you to express your opinions about it,” I would usually be glad to express my thoughts. However, when I am in conversations in which thoughts are being expressed but I am not aware of whose feelings and wants are being met, I often become bored and impatient with the conversation. At such times I have frequently found that the conversation started from habit, with no one consciously aware of why the conversation was going on. Likewise, when people tell me anecdotes without first telling me what feelings and wants lead them to tell me the anecdote, I often find myself confused, bored, irritated, impatient or a combination of all these feelings. Just yesterday a teacher started telling me a long anecdote about something that went on in her class. I have found from previous experiences that people often get so lost in the telling of such anecdotes that they lose track of their purpose in telling it, subsequently they do not get the response they want, and hence they leave frustrated. Therefore I try to tactfully help people to “ground” their anecdotes in their present feelings and wants. I interrupted the teacher in order to determine what her present wants were. It turned out that listening to the story was not necessary in order to give her what she wanted.
For example, if someone starts telling me about something that happened to them they may have quite different wants of me: they may simply want a sympathetic ear and hence want me to listen and say nothing; they may want me to evaluate their actions; they may want me to approve of their actions, or they may want me to demonstrate how they could have handled the situation differently. If their want is the latter, the telling of the anecdote is usually time-wasting. I would rather simply recreate the situation and then consider alternatives. If their want is for a sympathetic ear or for me to evaluate their actions, I usually would want to listen to the anecdote. If they want me to approve of their actions I would rather they not tell me the anecdote because I do not like to be put in a position where approval is the only action wanted of me.
Therefore I will often interrupt storytellers to find out what their present wants are. I have found many interesting things in doing this. To begin with, I find a number of storytellers do not know why they are telling the story. I find that such storytellers are often bored with their own stories and simply fall into storytelling from habit. I find other storytellers tell stories to fill up space because they are uncomfortable with silence.
SECTION 2
Ways of Thinking and Communicating that Increase Awareness of Interdependence
In Section 1 I outlined ways of thinking and communicating that I believe increase the autonomy that a person experiences. In this section I want to describe ways of thinking and communicating that I believe increase awareness of others and hence increase one’s ability to relate interdependently.
I see the following skills as increasing awareness of others and interdependent functioning:
1. ability to receive wants as wants and not as demands, obligations, or duties.
2. ability to receive feelings and wants as feelings and wants and not as personal praise or criticism.
3. ability to receive feelings and wants without evaluating the accuracy, morality, or competence of the speaker.
4. ability to ask oneself whether the speaker’s message was received to the speaker’s satisfaction and paraphrase if doubt exists.
5. ability to translate any messages into the possible feelings and wants of the speaker.
Ability to receive wants as wants and not as demands, obligations, or duties
The first skill that I believe increases awareness of others and increases interdependence is the ability to receive wants as wants and not as demands, obligations, or duties. To do this requires that I hear the other person’s wants and still maintain my own autonomy; that is, recognize that I do not “have to” do what the other wants. I am free to do what they want or do something else. If I believe that I “have to” do what the other wants and rationalize it as my duty or obligation then I am not practicing the skill.
I find that this is very difficult for many people to practice; particularly those raised according to the Philosophy of the Happy Face that I referred to earlier in this manual. According to this philosophy, you prove your love for others by making them happy. You make them happy by doing what they want. If you don’t do what they want, by definition you are “unloving”, “selfish”, etc. Thus the other person’s wants become your demand. I see this philosophy leading to mutual dependence, not what I would term interdependence. For that reason I like to clearly separate wants from demands, obligations, or duties. During one workshop I was explaining this skill to the participants and my son, Brett, (then age 8) listened attentively. On the way home he stated, “You know, Dad, sometimes when you say your wants at home they really sound like demands.” I replied, “I believe I understand just how hard it is to tell the difference. I want to be able to say loud and clear to you what I want and if what you want is different I want you to come back and express your wants just as loud and just as clear.” I believe that when people can relate to one another in this manner they can arrive at mutually satisfactory resolutions to differences existing between them.
On the other hand, when people read demands, obligations, or duties into wants, it seems to me everybody loses. For example, when I respond out of duty or obligation I am usually less enthusiastic than when I respond because of a conscious choice. If others do things for me and appear to do so out of duty or obligation I find that I enjoy their acts less than if they do so out of active choice. The reason for this is that I can then usually expect some “psychological scorekeeping”; that is, the act later being thrown up to me in the following form, “After all I’ve done for you when I didn’t want to, the least you can do is…”
In learning to receive wants and not read in any demand, duty or obligation, I often repeat to myself words attributed to Buddha, “Don’t just do something, stand there.” How easy it is to immediately do something for another person without checking with one’s own self, but how costly this can be in the long run.
Ability to receive feelings and wants as feelings and wants and not as personal praise or criticism.
A second skill that I believe increases awareness of others and increases interdependence is the ability to receive feelings and wants as feelings and wants and not as personal praise or criticism. To do this requires that I can differentiate between feelings and wants and inferences. Thus, if the other person says, “I’m irritated with you for forgetting to come to my party”, I want to hear just that and not read in that the other person thinks of me as thoughtless or inconsiderate, etc. If the other person says, “I enjoyed your party,” I want to hear just that and not read in that the other person thinks of me as an excellent host or creative person, etc.
When I can practice this skill I find that I value evaluation of either a “positive” or “negative” variety because both provide me with information about how others feel and what they want in relation to me. On the other hand, I find that if I translate feelings and wants into inferences about me I fear evaluation and can easily become so defensive that I don’t learn from it.
Ability to receive feelings and wants without evaluating the accuracy, morality, or competence of the speaker
A third skill that I believe increases awareness of others and increases interdependence is the ability to receive feelings and wants without evaluating the accuracy, morality, or competence of the speaker. The following paragraph written by Carl Rogers describes what it is like when someone can hear your feelings without evaluation:
"I like to be heard. A number of times in my life I have felt myself bursting with insoluble problems, or going round and round in tormented circles or, during one period, overcome by feelings of worthlessness and despair. I think I have been more fortunate than most in finding at these times individuals who have been able to hear me and thus to rescue me from the chaos of my feelings. I have been able to find individuals who have been able to hear my meanings a little more deeply than I have known them. These individuals have heard me without judging me, diagnosing me, appraising me, evaluating me. They have just listened and clarified and responded to me at all levels at which I was communicating. I can testify that when you are in psychological distress and someone really hears you without passing judgment on you, without trying to take responsibility for you, without trying to mold you, it feels damn good. At these times it has relaxed the tension in me. It has permitted me to bring out the frightening feelings, the guilts, the despair, the confusions that have been a part of my experience. When I have been listened to and when I have been heard, I am able to reperceive my world in a new way and to go on. It is astonishing how elements which seem insoluble become soluble when someone listens. How confusions which seem irremediable turn into relatively clear flowing streams when one is heard. I have deeply appreciated the times that I have experienced this sensitive, empathic, concentrated listening."
Thus, if I say to you, “I’m irritated with you because I heard you have been talking about me behind my back. I would like you to come directly to me if you have something to say about me,” I would like you to receive just that and not (1) immediately react with an evaluation of the accuracy of the statement (for example, “That isn’t right. I haven’t said anything about you to anyone”), (2) immediately react with an evaluation of my morality (for example, “You have no right to confront me before you know the facts”), or (3) immediately react with an evaluation of my competence (for example, “My, you really are sensitive”). After you had received my feelings and wants without the types of evaluation mentioned I would then value hearing your feelings and wants. Thus, if you said, “I’m confused–I would like you to tell me a specific thing you heard that I said,” or “I’m feeling guilty because I did do that and I want you to listen to my reasons for doing it,” etc., I would want to reciprocate and receive your feelings and wants without placing any evaluation on them.
Ability to ask oneself whether the speaker’s message was received to the speaker’s satisfaction and paraphrase if doubt exists
A fourth skill that I believe increases awareness of others and increases interdependence is the ability to ask oneself whether the speaker’s message was received to the speaker’s satisfaction and to paraphrase if doubt exists. I find it very easy to distort other peoples’ messages on the basis of my preconceived ideas about them. Or my emotional state at a given moment may be so intense that I project my feelings onto the other person and distort that person’s message. For these reasons I like to keep in mind the following quote of unknown origin:
"I know you believe you understood what you think I said but I am not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.”
Keeping this in mind enables me to ask myself when others speak whether I believe I have received their message to their satisfaction. I find this a difficult question to answer honestly. If I am anxious to respond I can easily overestimate the accuracy of my understanding.
If I’m not confident of the accuracy of my understanding I then like to paraphrase out loud what I heard. This gives the speaker a chance to correct my understanding if what I received was not what they intended to be received. When I paraphrase I like my focus to be on the speaker’s present feelings and wants.
The following diagram summarizes the skills presented to this point that I believe lead to awareness of others and to interdependence:
| (1) Receiving feelings and wants and not reading in demands, obligations, duties, inferences about oneself, or making evaluations of the speaker. | (2) Deciding whether one’s reception of feelings and wants is to the speaker’s satisfaction. | (3) Responding by paraphrasing feelings and wants if doubt exists about whether the speaker’s feelings and wants were received to the speaker’s satisfaction or Responding with one’s own feelings and wants if confident that the speaker’s feelings and wants were received to the speaker’s satisfaction. |
To demonstrate what I mean by paraphrasing feelings and wants and to differentiate this type of paraphrasing from other responses I would like to return again to a situation described earlier. Assuming that I said to you, “I’m irritated with you because I heard you have been talking about me behind my back; I would like you to come directly to me if you have something to say about me,” a paraphrase of my feelings and wants might be, “Marshall, are you saying you’re annoyed with me because you want me to say only nice things about you?” Notice that this would not be an accurate reading of my feelings and wants, but by paraphrasing in this way I could correct the person’s understanding of my feelings and wants.
I like to avoid paraphrases that translate the speaker’s feelings and wants into other forms of communication. Such a paraphrase might go like this, “Marshall, are you saying you think it is immature of me to talk about you behind your back?” Even if I were to agree that this showed an understanding of my thoughts about the person, the statement still would not demonstrate an understanding of my feelings and wants.
I also like to avoid paraphrases that paraphrase only feelings or only wants. Such paraphrases might go like this, “Marshall, are you saying you’re irritated because you heard reports that I’ve been talking about you?” (feelings only), or “Marshall, are you saying you want me to talk to you directly if I have something to say about you?” (wants only).
I like to make certain that I paraphrase wants in action terms. Just as I find that I can be understood better when I express wants in action terms, I find I can better understand others when I hear what they want in action terms.
The following exercise is designed to further your understanding of the kinds of paraphrasing I advocate and those I like to avoid.
EXERCISE 6
I would like you to circle the numbers of the paraphrases of feelings and wants in the following two situations:
Speaker says: “Recently I have been noticing you reading more than usual. I’ve been worried that it may reflect something bothering you in our relationship. I would like you to tell me if you are bothered by something we haven’t discussed.”
1. Are you saying you feel that I am inconsiderate of your feelings and you believe a couple needs to spend time talking to one another?
2. Why do you think that because I read more I am bothered about you?
3. Are you saying you feel that I have been reading more lately?
4. I understand.
5. Are you feeling that I might be upset with you about something and do you want me to tell you whether or not I am?
6. I’ve been reading more because of a report I have to write.
7. Are you worried because of the amount I have been reading and do you want me to spend more time with you?
8. That’s foolish for you to feel that way.
9. I’m sorry you feel that way.
10. Are you saying you are feeling worried about our relationship?
11. I agree with your interpretation.
12. Do you want me to tell you whether something is bothering me?
13. Are you feeling worried that I might be upset by something in our relationship?
14. I disagree with your interpretation.
15. You just have an inferiority complex.
16. You ought to focus on other things and not worry so much.
17. Are you saying you think I should spend more time with you?
18. Are you feeling worried because of the amount I have been reading and do you want me to tell you whether I am concerned about something in our relationship?
(Answers on page 42)
Ability to translate any message into the possible feelings and wants of the speaker
The fifth skill that I believe increases awareness of others and increases interdependence is the ability to translate the messages other than direct expressions of feelings and wants into the possible feelings and wants of the speaker. To this point we have been discussing how to receive feelings and wants as feelings and wants. If everyone were committed to expressing feelings and wants, knew how to report them verbally, and were willing to do so, this fifth skill would not be necessary. However, it has been my experience that relatively few people are committed, able, and willing. The reason for this is, I believe, that people are simply not aware of the possibility of thinking in terms of feelings and wants. They have usually been programmed since birth in other forms of thinking and communicating. Once people are made aware of the possibility of thinking and communicating in terms of feelings and wants and are taught the skills involved, I usually find them willing to think and communicate in this way.
In the meantime, however, those of you who are committed to staying in touch with feelings and wants are likely to find yourselves communicating with people who express their feelings and wants in indirect ways. I would like you, therefore, to learn how to translate the following types of messages into the feelings and wants you guess the speaker is experiencing at the moment the message is delivered:
- nonverbal messages (looks, gestures, etc.)
- “not wants”
- inferences and intellectualizations the speaker makes referring to you
- inferences and intellectualizations the speaker makes about himself/herself
- questions
I would also like you to be able to verbally paraphrase the feelings and wants you have guessed so that the speaker can correct you if you have guessed inaccurately.
Example 1: translating nonverbal messages into possible feelings and wants.
You are at a party and are telling a story. One of the guests yawns repeatedly and looks at his watch. To use this skill you might guess, “Are you impatient with how long this story is taking me and would you like me to tell it using fewer words?” Of course, this might not be the guest’s feelings and wants. If it wasn’t, however, he could correct your understanding of his feelings and wants. Needless to say, the tone of voice and the inflection of such a paraphrase is crucial. Unless tone and inflection clearly indicate an intention to understand, other people can easily misinterpret such a paraphrase as an attempt to play “psychological games” with them.
Example 2: translating “not wants” into possible feelings and wants.
You call a friend and say that you are lonely and want the friend to come over. The friend states, “I don’t want to.” From the context and tone of voice you might guess, “Sounds like you’re tired and want me to see that you’d like to stay home.” Again, this might not be what the friend wanted, but he could then state what he did want.
One of the habits I want to avoid is taking another person’s “not wants” as a personal rejection. If I do this I place my friends in a bind; they must either want what I want or by my own definition they are “rejecting me.” Of course they could make it easier on me by telling me directly what they “do want” rather than telling me only that they “don’t want to do” what I want them to do.
Example 3: translating inferences and intellectualizations the speaker makes referring to you into the speaker’s feelings and wants.
Your friend asks to borrow your car and you state that you are planning on using it yourself. The friend states, “You are the most selfish person I have ever met. You don’t think of anyone but yourself.” From the context and the speaker’s nonverbal cues you might guess, “Are you saying you’re hurt because I want to use my car tonight rather than loaning it to you and do you want me to reconsider your wishes.” If this is not accurate, at least the focus is now on what your friend wants and not on what you are.
Example 4: translating inferences the speaker makes about himself/herself into the speaker’s feelings and wants.
A friend states to you, “I think I’m incompetent and don’t know whether I should stay in my present job.” From the context and the speaker’s nonverbal cues you might guess, “Are you discouraged with your performance and do you want me to give you feedback about how I see you performing?”
Example 5: translating questions into the speaker’s feelings and wants.
At a business meeting an associate asks, “Don’t you think your proposal is too expensive?” You might guess from the context and speaker’s nonverbal cues, “Are you irritated with the cost of my proposal and do you want me to reduce the cost?
The following exercise is offered to see if you can detect possible paraphrases of feelings and wants in messages other than direct expressions of feelings and wants.
EXERCISE 7
I would like you to circle the number of the paraphrase of the possible feelings and wants in the following messages:
A. You are talking in a meeting. An associate is staring at you in a way that you interpret as a “dirty look.”
You say
1. Jack, do you feel that I’m talking too much and would you like me to listen to your ideas now?
2. Jack, are you irritated with me and do you think that others are wanting to talk?
3. Jack, are you irritated with how much time I’m taking and do you want me to ask for others’ opinions?
4. Jack, are you irritated because you believe others want to talk?
5. Jack, would you like me to ask for others’ opinions?
B. A friend says, “I don’t want to talk about it anymore.”
1. Are you hurt now and do you want me to forget the matter?
2. Are you feeling that you have nothing worth saying and do you want me to go away?
3. Are you feeling hurt about what we have been talking about?
4. Are you hurt because you think you have been treated unfairly?
5. Would you like me to go away?
C. Your boss says, “Your report was totally incompetent.”
1. Are you disappointed with my report and do you believe that I should have taken more time with it?
2. Are you disappointed with my report?
3. Do you think I should have taken more time and do you want me to see what changes you would like?
4. Do you want me to see some changes that you believe would improve the report?
5. Are you disappointed with the report and do you want me to see some changes you believe would improve it?
D. A friend says, “I’m going to kill myself.”
1. Are you saying you’re really depressed and do you want me to talk with you about matters?
2. Are’ you saying you’d like me to talk with you about some things that aren’t going well?
3. Sounds like you’re feeling depressed because you believe that nothing is likely to work out as you’d like.
4. Are you saying you feel really depressed about the way things are going?
5. Are you saying you feel like you have made a mess out of your life and do you want me to talk with you about it?
E. Your friend says, “What are you doing tonight?”
1. Are you feeling that I may be doing something without you tonight and do you want me to tell you if that is so?
2. Are you feeling lonely?
3. Do you want to know what I’m doing?
4. Are you feeling lonely and do you think it would be fun to do something together?
5. Are you feeling lonely and do you want me to tell you if I have already made plans for this evening?
(Answers on page 43)
PROGRESS EVALUATION
I would like you to detect the way in which the following statements deviate from the communication skills that have been described. Each statement may have as many as three of the following deviations (or none of them): the feelings may be omitted, there may be an inference-observation confusion, the wants may be omitted, or the wants may be present but not in action terms (“fuzzy”). Put a check on the answer sheet in the box that indicates which deviation(s) are present, if any. (In the section dealing with paraphrasing, you are to detect the deviations in the paraphrase).
I. Expressing Self
1. You are the most selfish person I have ever seen.
2. I feel guilty when you martyr yourself.
3. I feel excited when you give me presents.
4. That was a nice thing for you to do.
5. When others give you a gift I want you to respond politely.
6. When you have mud on your shoes I want you to wipe them on the mat.
7. I’m pleased.
8. I’m sad because you don’t like me.
9. I feel distrust when you tell me one thing one time and change it the next.
10. I want you to act human for a change.
11. I want you to tell me what you mean.
12. I’m disgusted with your childish behavior and I would like you to be less demanding.
13. I am frustrated with your cold, aloof manner and I want you to smile when you greet me.
14. When you do not respond verbally to my last statements I get frustrated and I would like you to tell me why you did not respond.
15. I feel judged by you.
16. Because it shows maturity I want you to paraphrase rather than label.
17. I’m just furious right now.
18. I feel hurt when you reject me.
19. I feel angry when you call me names.
20. When important calls come in I want you to be alert.
21. When you get below a “C” I want you to ask your teacher for reasons.
22. I’m so excited.
23. I would like you to finish painting the stairs.
24. I get scared when you raise your voice.
25. I feel admiration for your superior intelligence and I want you to show me how you solved that problem.
26. I wish you would stop procrastinating.
27. When I am sleeping I want you to be considerate.
28. When others treat you like dirt I want you to walk away.
29. I feel that this is an interesting presentation.
30. I feel appreciation for your picking me up and I want you to promise me that you will let me know when I can be of help to you.
31. When Henry acts like a jackass I want you to rise above the occasion.
32. I wish you would get up and get me some ice cream.
33. When I call you I want you to come within five minutes.
34. I feel you don’t understand me.
35. I get irritated when you dominate me.
36. Because the other team has shown themselves to be good sports I want you to reciprocate.
37. I feel depressed when you tell me you have given up hope.
38. When your country’s honor is at stake I want you to enlist.
39. I would like you to show some responsibility.
40. I feel proud when you act like an adult.
’41. When your brother cries I want you to show him how a big boy acts.
42. I’m irritated with your dogmatic attitudes and I would like you to be more flexible.
43. I’m terribly depressed.
44. I’m disappointed that you care only for yourself and I would like you to give a piece of candy to each of the other children.
45. I’m disappointed that my name was not on the list for promotions and I would like you to suggest ways I can improve my performance so as to improve my chances next time.
46. I’m hungry.
47. I get frustrated listening to your neurotic complaints and I would like you to be happier with yourself.
II. Paraphrasing
48. When you do not respond verbally to my last statements I get frustrated and I would like you to tell me why you did not.
(Paraphrase) DO YOU FEEL I SHOULD RESPOND TO YOUR STATEMENTS?
49. I’m disappointed that my name was not on the list for promotion and I would like you to suggest ways I can improve my performance so as to improve my chances next time.
ARE YOU FEELING DISAPPOINTED BECAUSE YOU THINK YOU DESERVE TO BE PROMOTED?
50. When others treat you like dirt I want you to walk away.
ARE YOU FEELING DISAPPOINTED THAT I TOLD JACK TO GO JUMP IN THE LAKE?
51. I feel you don’t understand me.
ARE YOU FEELING FRUSTRATED WITH ME?
52. I feel hurt when you reject me.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT WHEN YOU ASK TO BORROW MY CAR YOU WANT ME TO LOAN IT TO YOU?
53. I’m pleased.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT BECAUSE I GOT AN “A” THIS SEMESTER YOU WANT ME TO GET AN “A” NEXT SEMESTER?
54. I feel judged by you.
ARE YOU SAYING YOU WANT ME TO GIVE YOU PREFERENTIAL TREATMENT?
55. That was a nice thing for you to do.
ARE YOU FEELING AFFECTION FOR ME BECAUSE I WAS CONSIDERATE AND YOU WANT ME TO SEND YOU A CARD ON YOUR BIRTHDAY AGAIN NEXT YEAR?
56. I feel you don’t understand me.
ARE YOU FEELING FRUSTRATED BECAUSE I REACTED TO YOUR STATEMENT IMMEDIATELY AND DO YOU WANT ME TO PARAPHRASE BEFORE REACTING?
57. You are the most selfish person I have ever seen.
DO YOU WANT ME TO GO TO THE SHOW WITH YOU AND TELL THE BOYS I WON’T GO TO THE BALLGAME?
58. I wish you would stop procrastinating.
IT SOUNDS AS THOUGH YOU’RE DISAPPOINTED WITH ME.
59. I want you to tell us what you mean.
ARE YOU FEELING DISTRUSTFUL BECAUSE YOU BELIEVE I’M LYING?
60. I feel that this is an interesting presentation.
ARE YOU SAYING YOU’RE EXCITED BECAUSE I WAS SO WELL-PREPARED AND YOU WANT ME TO REALIZE THAT YOU WERE INVOLVED?
61. I feel terribly depressed.
ARE YOU SAYING YOU’RE DEPRESSED BECAUSE I SAID I WANTED TO GO SKIING AND DO YOU WANT ME TO SPEND MY VACATION WITH YOU?
62. When your country’s honor is at stake I want you to enlist.
DO YOU MEAN THAT WHEN THE COUNTRY IS AT WAR YOU WANT ME TO ENLIST?
63. I’m disappointed that you care only for yourself and I would like you to give a piece of candy to each of the other children.
ARE YOU FEELING DISAPPOINTED BECAUSE I WAS SELFISH AND DO YOU WANT ME TO DIVIDE THE CANDY WITH THE OTHER CHILDREN?
64. I feel excited when you give me presents.
ARE YOU SAYING YOU WANT ME TO CONTINUE SPOILING YOU?
65. That was a nice thing for you to do.
ARE YOU SAYING YOU FEEL APPRECIATION FOR MY DRIVING YOU HOME?
66. I am frustrated with your cold, aloof manner and I want you to smile when you greet me.
WHAT MAKES YOU THINK YOU’RE SO SPECIAL?
67. I feel guilty when you martyr yourself.
ARE YOU SAYING YOU WANT ME TO TELL YOU MY WANTS EVEN IF THEY AREDIFFERENT THAN YOURS?
68. I feel proud when you act like an adult.
ARE YOU FEELING PROUD BECAUSE I WON THE AWARD AND DO YOU WANT ME TO KEEP PRACTICING MY GUITAR ONE HOUR A DAY?
69. Because the other team has shown themselves to be good sports I want you to reciprocate.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT BECAUSE THE OTHER TEAM MEMBERS HAVE BEEN GOOD SPORTS YOU WANT ME TO SHAKE HANDS WITH THEM?
70. I would like you to finish painting the stairs.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT BECAUSE I HAVEN’T FINISHED PAINTING THE STAIRS YOU WANT ME TO SACRIFICE MY DAY OFF?
71. I’m disgusted with your childish behavior and I would like you to be less demanding.
DO YOU WANT ME TO BE YOUR SLAVE?
72. When I call you I want you to come within five minutes.
ARE YOU ANNOYED WITH ME?
73. I get frustrated listening to your neurotic complaints and I would like you to be happier with yourself.
ARE YOU FRUSTRATED WITH MY NEUROTIC COMPLAINTS AND YOU WANT ME TO ACTMORE MATURELY?
74. Because it shows maturity I want you to paraphrase rather than label.
DO YOU FEEL IRRITATED WITH MY POOR COMMUNICATION?
75. I’m irritated with your dogmatic attitudes and I would like you to be more flexible.
I DON’T AGREE WITH YOU.
76. I want you to act human for a change.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT BECAUSE I HIT JACK YOU WANT ME TO ACT LIKE A COWARD NOW?
77. I wish you would get up and get me some ice cream.
ARE YOU HUNGRY BECAUSE I PREPARED AN INSUFFICIENT SUPPER AND YOU WANT ME TO GET YOU SOME ICE CREAM?
78. I get irritated when you dominate me.
DO YOU FEEL IRRITATED WHEN I TELL YOU WHAT I WANT?
79. I would like you to show some responsibility.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT I HAVE BEEN INCONSIDERATE AND YOU WANT ME TO TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE?
80. When I am sleeping I want you to be considerate.
DO YOU WANT ME TO WAIT UNTIL YOU WAKE UP BEFORE PRACTICING MY GUITAR?
81. I’m just furious right now.
ARE YOU SAYING BECAUSE I DROPPED THE VASE YOU WANT ME TO BE APOLOGETIC?
82. When Henry acts like a jackass I want you to rise above the occasion.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT WHEN HENRY GOES OUT DRINKING YOU WANT ME TO COME HOME?
(Answers on page 46)
SECTION 3
Conflict Resolution through Generating Want-oriented Alternatives
In previous sections I have defined responsibility in terms of autonomy and interdependence. In this section I would like to add a third concept to my definition of responsibility: conflict resolution through generating want-oriented alternatives. When a conflict exists, that is, when the wants of the participants involved in the conflict appear to be mutually exclusive, I see three options open to the participants. First, either participant could give up his/her own wants and give in to the other person’s wants. Second, either participant could try to coerce the other into giving up his/her want and giving in to the wants of the one doing the coercing. This coercion could be psychological (e.g. blaming, ridiculing) or physical (e.g. hitting, withholding privileges.) A third possibility, and the one I am defining as representing responsible action, is to resolve the conflict through generating want-oriented alternatives. By want-oriented alternatives I refer to alternatives that relate to satisfaction of the wants of participants in the conflict. Generating want-oriented alternatives thus involves brainstorming for possibilities that appear to satisfy everyone’s wants until such time as a course of action can be actively agreed upon by all participants. The success of this activity will be highly correlated with the ability of the participants to
(a) express their own wants in action terms
(b) receive the wants of the other participants without distortion.
I see it as putting the cart before the horse to consider solutions to problems before all participants in a conflict are clear about the wants that are in conflict.
I would now like to proceed by describing a specific conflict situation, review what I consider to be responsible actions on the part of both individuals as defined in this section, and then outline how the conflict could be resolved responsibly.
Janet and John are sitting in the living room. John is thirsty and would like a drink of water. He is also tired and would like Janet to get the water for him. I would describe John as acting responsibly if he were to make his feelings and wants known to Janet. Thus he might state, “Janet, I’m tired and thirsty, and I would appreciate your getting me a drink of water.”
I would describe Janet as acting responsibly if she does two things. First, I would describe her action as responsible if she received John’s feelings and wants without distortion;· i.e. without hearing any demand or obligation, and if she receives his feelings and wants without evaluating herself or John because of them. For example, if she reads in that she should get him the water because that is what a good wife would do, I would see her as failing to act responsibly. If she evaluates herself as thoughtless not to have recognized John’s needs earlier, I would see her as failing to act responsibly. If she evaluates John as “lazy” or “inconsiderate” to want her to get the water I would see her as failing to act responsibly.
Secondly, I would describe Janet as acting responsibly if her actions in response to John’s wants were based on her own consciously decided upon want. Within this concept of responsibility Janet could be acting responsibly if she got John the water because she decided she wanted to or she could be acting responsibly if she decided she wanted to do something other than what John wanted. For example, she might decide to tell John, “I’m tired also and I’d like you to get your own water.” I would define this as responsible provided that she had first received John’s feelings and wants accurately.
If Janet’s wants are not consistent with John’s I would define John as acting responsibly if he received Janet’s feelings and wants without distortion. Thus, I would define him as failing to act responsibly if he evaluated her as “selfish,” “inconsiderate,” etc. if she wanted him to get his own water.
The following diagram summarizes the possibilities that I have just considered:
Responsible Actions
1. Person A (John) expresses feelings and wants directly with no implicit demand or judgment intended.
2. Person B (Janet) receives A’s feelings and wants without distortion.
3. Person B (Janet) chooses to do what A wants or expresses other wants.
4. Person A (John) receives B’s (Janet’s) feelings and wants without distortion if not consistent with own wants.
Ability to generate alternatives in time, person, place, and action dimensions
Now I would like to consider how the conflict might have been resolved if Janet’s wants were in conflict with John’s; that is, if she wanted to stay seated and wanted John to get his own water. I see in all conflict situations any one or a combination of four dimensions within which want-oriented alternatives can be generated:
1. Want-oriented alternatives can be generated within the time dimension.
2. Want-oriented alternatives can be generated within the person dimension.
3. Want-oriented alternatives can be generated within the place dimension.
4. Want-oriented alternatives can be generated within the action dimension.
In the example given, want-oriented alternatives might be generated within the time dimension by Janet suggesting that she rest for ten minutes and then get the water; want-oriented alternatives might be generated within the person dimension by considering whether some other person were available who might be rested and willing to get the water; or want-oriented alternatives might be generated within the action dimension by Janet offering some Lifesavers to John that might quench his thirst. In this particular example I do not know how alternatives could be generated within the place dimension. An example of a conflict resolved by generating want-oriented alternatives within this dimension is the development of smoking and non-smoking sections on airplanes.
I find that if people in conflict situations can generate want-oriented alternatives within these dimensions, resolutions are usually available that are mutually satisfying to all parties involved in the conflict. When people are unable to resolve conflicts I usually find that wants have not been expressed in action terms or wants have not been received without distortion.
Another factor that interferes with conflict resolution is either party thinking in absolutistic terms. Thus, if either party expresses his wants in action terms but is thinking, “My wants are right; the other should go along with them,” I am., not optimistic about a mutually satisfactory resolution being found. Once this type of thinking is involved, explicitly or implicitly, I find that participants become obsessed with “winning” their point or getting their own way rather than cooperatively searching for mutually satisfying alternatives.
Ability to differentiate protective and educational force from punitive force
I believe that the process described can be used in the vast majority of conflict situations existing between people. I can conceive of times, however, when a person would not have the time to reach a mutual resolution. I am thinking of situations in which the person’s goal would be immediate safety rather than the mutual resolution of conflict, such as a child running out into the street. At that point, I could see the person doing whatever possible to stop the child.
Even in these emergency situations I still believe that one can use force without being punitive. This can be accomplished by staying in touch with feelings and desires, relating one’s actions to feelings and wants, and avoiding judgments of the other person in the process. For example, after a child has just run in the street the adult might say, “I’m putting you in the house so I will not have to worry about your being hit by a car.” Note the difference between this statement and “What’s wrong with you–can’t you know any better! To teach you a lesson you’re going to stay in the house.” In the first example the speaker owns his own feelings and wants and relates the action to the feelings and wants; in the second the speaker asks a question implying a judgment of the child. When people relate their behavior to their own feelings and desires I find increased awareness and cooperation are more likely to occur.
EXERCISE 8
In the following exercises I would like you to circle the number of the statements that describe responsible actions as responsibility has been defined in this manual.
Jack is lonely and calls Bill. After exchanging greetings, Jack
1. hints by asking, “Are you doing anything tonight?”
2. hints by stating, “We haven’t been together for quite a while.”
3. states, “I’m lonely and would like to do something with you tonight. I’d like you to tell me whether that fits in with your plans.”
4. doesn’t say anything about his feelings and wants because he doesn’t want Bill to think he is a pest.
5. doesn’t say anything about his feelings and wants because he knows Bill has other plans and wants to avoid placing Bill in a conflict situation.
6. doesn’t say anything because he doesn’t want to make Bill feel guilty if Bill doesn’t want to go out.
7. doesn’t say anything because he doesn’t want Bill to reject him.
Linda says to Judy, “I’m having a party this weekend and I want you to come.”
1. Judy says, “I can’t, I have another engagement.”
2. Judy would like to stay at home but says she will go to avoid hurting Linda’s feelings.
3. Judy says, “I’m feeling torn, I want to be at your party but I want more to honor a previous commitment. I’d like you to tell me how important it is to you that I come.”
4. Judy would like to stay at home but says she will go to the party because she wants to do what she can to add to Linda’s party.
5. Judy would like to stay at home but says she will go because friends are supposed to do things together unless there is a good excuse.
6. Judy says, “I don’t want to come; sorry.”
7. Judy says, “You should have invited me earlier; I already have other plans.”
Tony and Al have a conflict; Al wants to go to see a movie and Tony wants to go bowling.
1. Al tells Tony, “You spend too much time bowling, why don’t you broaden yourself by seeing a good movie?”
2. Tony says to Al, “You’re getting too fat–you need to exercise.”
3. Al says he will go bowling because he doesn’t want to lose Tony’s friendship.
4. Tony gets Al to go by threatening to beat him up.
5. Al suggests that they go bowling first and then go to a movie.
6. Tony suggests that he and Al go to the football game instead of a movie or bowling.
7. Al says he would be willing to go along with Tony’s suggestion for a movie and made this decision because going to a movie met his wants.
8. Tony says he would go along with Al’s suggestion for bowling first and then a movie. Tony compromised because he believed Al was set in his ways.
(Answers on page 44)
EXERCISE 1, Answers
1. I do not see this as an “owned” feeling.
2. I do not see this as an “owned” belief.
3. I see this as an “owned” belief.
4. I see this as an “owned” feeling.
5. I see this as an “owned” belief. The “to me” differentiates why I see this as an “owned” belief in contrast to Number 2.
6. I see this as an “owned” want.
7. I do not see this as an “owned” belief.
8. I do not see this as an “owned” feeling.
9. I do not see this as an “owned” belief.
10. I do not see this as an “owned” message.
EXERCISE 2, Answers
1. I see this as an observation.
2. I do not see this as an observation; I see it as an observation-inference confusion.
3. I do not see this as an observation; I see it as an inference.
4. I see this as an observation.
5. I do not see this as an observation; I see it as an observation-inference confusion. (Contrast with John doesn’t sit still).
6. I see this as an observation.
7. I do not see this as an observation; I see it as an observation-inference confusion.
8. I see this as an observation.
9. I see this as an observation.
10. I do not see this as an observation; I see it as an observation-inference confusion.
EXERCISE 3, Answers
1. I do not see this as verbally reporting feelings. I see this as an inference.
2. I do see this as verbally reporting feelings.
3. I do not see this as verbally reporting feelings. I see words like “rejected” as an inference, not as a statement of feelings.
4. I do see this as verbally reporting feelings.
5. I do see this as verbally reporting feelings.
6. I do not see this as verbally reporting feelings. Anytime the word “that” follows the word “feel” an inference is likely to follow.
7. I do not see this as verbally reporting feelings. Anytime the word “like” follows the word “feel” an inference is likely to follow.
8. I do not see this as verbally reporting feelings. I see words like “judged” as an inference, not as a statement of feelings.
9. I do see this as verbally reporting feelings.
10. I do see this as verbally reporting feelings.
EXERCISE 4, Answers
1. I do not see this statement identifying the reasons for the feelings in terms of because wants. I see it as an inference-observation confusion. (See page 10)
2. I do not see this statement identifying the reasons in terms of because wants. Note that the because wants could be “because I want you to give evidence that you think of me” or “because I have usually wanted the presents you send very badly” or many other possibilities.
3. I see this as identifying the reasons for the feelings in terms of because wants.
4. I see this as identifying the reasons for the feelings in terms of because wants.
5. I do not see this statement identifying the reasons for the feelings in terms of because wants. I see this as an inference-observation confusion.
6. I do not see this statement identifying the reasons for the feelings in terms of because wants. Note that the because wants could be “because I want a Democratic president”; “because I want everyone to have enough to eat” or many other possibilities.
7. I see this as identifying the reasons for the feelings in terms of because wants.
8. I do not see this statement identifying the reasons for the feelings in terms of because wants. I see this as an inference-observation confusion.
9. I see this as identifying the reasons for the feelings in terms of because wants.
10. I see this as identifying the reasons for the feelings in terms of because wants.
EXERCISE 5, Answers
1. I see this as an action want.
2. I do not see this as an action want; I see it as a “fuzzy” want.
3. I do not see this as an action want; I see it as a general want.
4. I see this as an action want.
5. I do not see this as an action want; I see it as a feeling want.
6. I see this as an action want.
7. I do not see this as an action want; I see it as a general want.
8. I do not see this as an action want; I see it as a “not want”.
9. I do not see this as an action want; I see it as a feeling want.
10. I do not see this as an action want; I see it as a “fuzzy” want.
11. I do not see this as an action want; I see it as a general want.
12. I do not see this as an action want; I see it as a “not want”.
13. I do not see this as an action want; I see it as a “not want”.
14. I do not see this as an action want; I see it as a “fuzzy” want.
15. I do not see this as an action want; I see it as a feeling want.
EXERCISE 6, Answers
1. I do not see this as a paraphrase of the speaker’s feelings and wants. I see it as translating feelings and wants into inferences.
2. I do not see this as a paraphrase of the speaker’s feelings and wants. I see it as a question probing for additional information.
3. I do not see this as a paraphrase of the speaker’s feelings and wants. I see it as a paraphrase of the speaker’s observation.
4. I do not see this as a paraphrase of the speaker’s feelings and wants. I see it as claiming understanding but not demonstrating understanding.
5. I do not see this as a paraphrase of the speaker’s feelings and wants. I see it as an explanation.
6. I do not see this as a paraphrase of the speaker’s feelings and wants. I see it as an explanation.
7. I see this as a paraphrase of the speaker’s feelings and wants. Note that although the wants are not received accurately the speaker has opportunity to correct this misunderstanding.
8. I do not see this as a paraphrase of the speaker’s feelings and wants. I see this as an evaluation of the speaker’s feelings and wants.
9. I do not see this as a paraphrase of the speaker’s feelings and wants. I see this as an apology.
10. I do not see this as a paraphrase of the speaker’s feelings and wants. I see it as a paraphrase only of the speaker’s feelings.
11. I do not see this as a paraphrase of the speaker’s feelings and wants. I see it as agreeing and hence as a form of evaluation.
12. I do not see this as a paraphrase of the speaker’s feelings and wants. I see it as a paraphrase only of the speaker’s wants.
13. I do not see this as a paraphrase of the speaker’s feelings and wants. I see it as a paraphrase only of the speaker’s wants.
14. I do not see this as a paraphrase of the speaker’s feelings and wants. I see it as disagreeing and hence as a form of evaluation.
15. I do not see this as a paraphrase of the speaker’s feelings and wants. I see it as an evaluation of the speaker’s feelings and wants.
16. I do not see this as a paraphrase of the speaker’s feelings and wants. I see it as advising.
17. I do not see this as a paraphrase of the speaker’s feelings and wants. I see it as translating feelings and wants into an opinion.
18. I see this as a paraphrase of the speaker’s feelings and wants.
EXERCISE 7, Answers
A.
1. I do not see this as a paraphrase of feelings and wants. I see it as a paraphrase of an inference and wants.
2. I do not see this as a paraphrase of feelings and wants. I see it as a paraphrase of feelings and an inference.
3. I see this as a paraphrase of feelings and wants.
4. I do not see this as a paraphrase of feelings and wants. I see it as a paraphrase of feelings only.
5. I do not see this as a paraphrase of feelings and wants. I see it as a paraphrase of wants only.
B.
1. I see this as a paraphrase of feelings and wants.
2. I do not see this as a paraphrase of feelings and wants. I see it as a paraphrase of an inference and wants.
3. I do not see this as a paraphrase of feelings and wants. I see it as a paraphrase of feelings only.
4. I do not see this as a paraphrase of feelings and wants. I see it as a paraphrase of feelings and an inference.
5. I do not see this as a paraphrase of feelings and wants. I see it as a paraphrase of wants only.
C.
1. I do not see this as a paraphrase of feelings and wants. I see it as a paraphrase of feelings and an inference.
2. I do not see this as a paraphrase of feelings and wants. I see it as a paraphrase of feelings only.
3. I do not see this as a paraphrase of feelings and wants. I see it as a paraphrase of an inference and wants.
4. I do not see this as a paraphrase of feelings and wants. I see it as a paraphrase of wants only.
5. I see this as a paraphrase of feelings and wants.
D.
1. I see this as a paraphrase of feelings and wants.
2. I do not see this as a paraphrase of feelings and wants. I see it as a paraphrase of wants only.
3. I do not see this as a paraphrase of feelings and wants. I see it as a paraphrase of feelings and an inference.
4. I do not see this as a paraphrase of feelings and wants. I see it as a paraphrase of feelings only.
5. I do not see this as a paraphrase of feelings and wants. I see it as a paraphrase of an inference and wants.
E.
1. I do not see this as a paraphrase of feelings and wants. I see it as a paraphrase of an inference and wants.
2. I do not see this as a paraphrase of feelings and wants. I see it as a paraphrase of feelings only.
3. I do not see this as a paraphrase of feelings and wants. I see it as a paraphrase of wants only.
4. I do not see this as a paraphrase of feelings and wants. I see it as a paraphrase of feelings and an inference.
5. I see this as a paraphrase of feelings and wants.
EXERCISE 8, Answers
A. Jack and Bill
1. I do not see hinting through such questions as responsible.
2. I do not see hinting through such observations as responsible.
3. I do see this direct statement of feelings and wants as responsible.
4. I do not see avoidance based on “not want” thinking as responsible.
5. I do see this avoidance as responsible action on Jack’s part because Jack bases his avoidance on his own wants.
6. I do not see this avoidance as responsible because Jack is basing the avoidance on possible reactions of Bill and not on his own wants.
7. I do not see this avoidance as responsible because Jack is basing the avoidance on possible reactions of Bill, not on his own wants.
B. Linda and Judy
1. I do not see this as a responsible statement because of the word “can’t” which I see hiding Judy’s wants.
2. I do not see this as a responsible decision because it is based on the possible reactions of Linda and not on Judy’s own wants.
3. I see this as a responsible action on Judy’s part.
4. I see this as a responsible action on Judy’s part.
5. I do not see this as a responsible action. I see it based on thinking that “hides” the wants involved.
6. I do not see this as a responsible action. I see it based on “not wants” rather than wants.
7. I do not see this as responsible action. I see “should” hiding Judy’s wants.
C. Tony and Al
1. I do not see this as responsible action in conflict resolution. I see it as a form of coercion, not as an attempt to generate want-oriented alternatives.
2. I do not see this as responsible action. I see it as a form of coercion, not as an attempt to generate want-oriented alternatives.
3. I do not see this as responsible action. I see it as based on “not want” thinking.
4. I do not see this as responsible action. I see it as a form of coercion, not as an attempt to generate want-oriented alternatives.
5. I see this as generating want-oriented alternatives and hence as responsible action.
6. I see this as generating want-oriented alternatives and hence as responsible action.
7. I see this as responsible action since Al was willing to go along with the alternatives suggested because it also met his wants.
8. I do not see this as responsible action since Tony’s decision was based on thoughts about Al rather than on his own wants.
| PROGRESS EVALUATION ANSWER SHEET | ||||||||||||||
| FO = Feelings Omitted | WO= Wants Omitted | |||||||||||||
| IOC = Inference-Observation Confusion | WEBF = Wants Expressed but “Fuzzy” | |||||||||||||
| FO | IOC | WO | WEBF | FO | IOC | WO | WEBF | FO | IOC | WO | WEBF | |||
| 1 | X | X | X | 28 | X | X | 55 | X | ||||||
| 2 | X | X | 29 | X | X | X | 56 | |||||||
| 3 | X | 30 | 57 | X | ||||||||||
| 4 | X | X | X | 31 | X | X | X | 58 | X | |||||
| 5 | X | X | 32 | X | 59 | X | X | |||||||
| 6 | X | 33 | X | 60 | X | X | ||||||||
| 7 | X | 34 | X | X | X | 61 | ||||||||
| 8 | X | X | 35 | X | X | 62 | X | |||||||
| 9 | X | 36 | X | X | X | 63 | X | |||||||
| 10 | X | X | 37 | X | 64 | X | X | |||||||
| 11 | X | 38 | X | X | 65 | X | ||||||||
| 12 | X | X | 39 | X | X | 66 | X | X | X | |||||
| 13 | X | 40 | X | X | 67 | X | ||||||||
| 14 | 41 | X | X | 68 | ||||||||||
| 15 | X | X | X | 42 | X | X | 69 | X | X | |||||
| 16 | X | X | 43 | X | 70 | X | X | |||||||
| 17 | X | 44 | X | 71 | X | X | ||||||||
| 18 | X | X | 45 | 72 | X | |||||||||
| 19 | X | 46 | X | 73 | X | X | ||||||||
| 20 | X | X | X | 47 | X | X | 74 | X | X | |||||
| 21 | X | 48 | X | X | X | 75 | X | X | ||||||
| 22 | X | 49 | X | X | 76 | X | X | |||||||
| 23 | X | 50 | X | 77 | X | |||||||||
| 24 | X | 51 | X | 78 | X | |||||||||
| 25 | X | 52 | X | 79 | X | X | ||||||||
| 26 | X | X | 53 | X | 80 | X | ||||||||
| 27 | X | X | 54 | X | X | 81 | X | X | ||||||
| 82 | X | |||||||||||||
REFERENCES
I recommend the following books to those of you interested in further reading related to the contents of this manual:
Fromm, Eric. The Art of Loving. Harper, Colophon Books, 1962
Gordon, Thomas. Parent Effectiveness Training. Peter H. Wyden, Inc.
Hampden-Turner, Charles. Radical Man. Anchor Books, Doubleday, 1971.
Jourard, Sidney. The Transparent Self. Van Nostrand, 1964.
Keen, Sam. To a Dancing God. Harper & Row, 1970.
Krishnamurti, J. Education and the Significance of Life. Harper & Row, 1954.
Mager, Robert. Goal Analysis. Fearon Pub.
May, Rollo. Man’s Search for Himself. W.W. Norton, 1953
_________. Love and Will. W.W. Norton, 1969.
_________. Power and Innocence W.W. Norton, 1972.
Powell, John. Why Am I Afraid to Tell You Who I Am? Argus Communications.
Rogers, Carl. On Becoming a Person. Houghton-Mifflin, 1961.
__________. Becoming Partners. Delacorte Press, 1972.
Rosenberg, Marshall. Mutual Education. Special Child Publications, 1972.
Tillich, Paul. The Courage to Be. Yale University Press, 1952.
I recommend the following records to further understanding of the process in this manual:
Bebermeyer, Ruth. Good Mornin’, Pain
_______________. The First Steps and The Last Steps
_______________. I Wonder.
(All records published by and available from Community Psychological Consultants).